Relationships Jokes 2

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?Just when it's getting interesting they are finished until next time...
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A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"The woman replies, "I'm a whore."The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute.""No, that is still too crude. Try again."They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?""Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening   the front door.   "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil   all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move   until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."   "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh,   it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one   for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No   more was said about the "statue."   Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the   kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he   said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's   for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMANCaress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.HOW TO SATISFY A MANShow up naked ..... and bring beer.
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Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they   make   love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped   on her   reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his   hand.   "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been   using   on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you   sneaky   bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of   sneaky,"   her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three   kids."
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Little Johnny Jokes 2

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.  The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.  "Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.  "My goldfish died and Im gonna bury him," Johnny replied.  "Thats a really big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?" asked the neighbor.  "Thats because hes inside your cat!"
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Teacher: Why are you late?Little Johnny: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what Idid.
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks theyre stupid, stand up!"  After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.   The teacher said, "Do you think youre stupid, Little Johnny?"  "No, maam, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed.

"Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
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Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls," and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse. So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra. Which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. And when johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
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PSJokes on Facebook

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she! wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she replied......"I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher lady. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store." ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too." She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched roosters," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said. ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ Life Lesson A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there... #PRMPSMARTJOKES

PSJokes on Facebook

Shock me, say something intelligent. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 You could make a fortune helping people loose weight, one look at you and they loose their appetite! 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Your so ugly, when you were born your mom said "What a treasure" and your dad said "Yea lets go burry it"! 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 You're so ugly they know what time you were born, because your face stopped the clock! 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Please like my page #PRMPSmartJokes

PSJokes on Facebook

I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 You're so ugly if you joined an ugly contest, they'd say "Sorry, no professionals!" 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today? 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Shared from Book of Jokes by PRMP Smart Jokes 😂 #PRMPSmartJokes fb.me/prmpsmartjokes t.me/prmpsmartjokes prmpsmartjokes.blogspot.com twitter.com/prmpsmartjokes #PRMPSmartJokes

Popular Jokes 14

There where three nuns who never did anything wrong. One day the high priest came to them and told them that in order to become better nuns they had to do something bad and then drink from the holy water. So the three nuns went out that same day and did something wrong. The first nun came and the high priest asked her what she did wrong. " I took a lollipop from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water. Then the second one came back and the high priest asked her what she did wrong, she said " I took a balloon from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water. Then came the third. "What did you do wrong?" asked the high priest. " Well", she said," I peed in the holy water."
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A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"
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Successful Room Tips

In bed, I was asking myself; "What are some of the Secrets to Success in Life?" I found the answer right there in my very room. The Roof said, "Aim High." The Fan said, "Be Cool"The Window said, "Expand your Vision." The Clock said, "Every minute is Precious"The Mirror said, "Reflect before you Act." The Calendar said, "Be up to Date." The Door said, "Push hard for your Goals." The Floor said, "Always be down to earth."The Toilet said, "Flush the Bad Habits that will Deter you." The Wall said, "Share other's load." The Wallet said, "Save now for future."Then I looked at the bed and it said, "Cover yourself with blanket and go off to sleep!"
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The Most Important Question

Please, I need to ask you a very important question that has kept me sleepless and restless. It might be awkward between us after this, but I have to know how you feel. I have kept it in mind for a while now but I think it's finally the time I straighten up and confront you with this all important question.I just hope this doesn't ruin our friendship. I need to know, I don't know any other way I could get over this. It just doesn't seem fair on me if I don't get an answer. I want you to tell me truthfully no matter how harsh it is! All I need is your honest answer. PLEASE, HOW MUCH IS THE PRICE OF FUFU IN YOUR AREA?
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Very Costly Mistake

A man got this message from his neighbour; "Sir, I am so sorry but I have this confession to make. I have been sharing your wife with you behind your back day and night and mostly when you are not in town. I have used your wife in my kitchen, bedroom, parlour and also in your own apartment and at times right under your nose. I have to also admit that I have used your wife more than you do. I feel I should let you know cause I feel so guilty. I promise never to do it again".The man was so mad that he shot his wife dead! Few minutes later he received another message from the same neighbour stating;  "So sorry for the spelling mistake. I meant to write WIFI and not WIFE!"If you were the husband, what will you do?
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School Jokes 1

Teacher: "I killed a person, tell me this sentence in future tense."  Student: "In future tense, You will go to jail."
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Teacher: "Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once.   How much is six plus four?"  Class: "At once!"
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Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?  Student: A teacher!
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"Dad, I dont want to go to school today." said the boy.  "Why not, son?"  "Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."  "But why dont you want to go today?"  "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
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Did anyone ever notice that "STUDYING" is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?
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Akpos Jokes 19

Terrible Prayers

Akpos' pastor added him on Facebook and he innocently accepted. Two minutes later, a message came in:PASTOR: How are you?AKPOS: I'm fine, pastor.PASTOR: May the building of heavenly favour collapse on your head.AKPOS: (No reply).PASTOR: May the thunder of blessing strike you and your family.AKPOS: (No reply).PASTOR: May God slash you with the axe of life.AKPOS: (no reply).PASTOR: May God stab you with the knife of riches.AKPOS: (no reply).PASTOR: May you be sentenced to life imprisonment in the eternal jail of success.AKPOS: (No reply).PASTOR: May the World Trade Centre of happiness collapse on you and your family.AKPOS: (No reply).PASTOR: Are you there?AKPOS: Yes, pastor.PASTOR: You should be saying amen to claim the Blessings.AKPOS: OK. May the over-speeding trailer of blessings jam and crush you and your family. May the earthquake of happiness swallow you and your family members. May the sea of miracles drown you and your family members in Jesus' name.PASTOR: (No reply).AKPOS: You should be saying  amen to claim these prayers pastor. PASTOR: May thunder fire you! Idiot!
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True Love

AKPOS: Baby, even though I don't have a well furnished duplex in Victoria Island like John, 2015 Range Rover Sport like John, and even if I'm not working in Chevron Oil Company like John, I love you with all my heart! That's the best thing I can give you. GIRL: (sobs, moves close to Akpos and whispers in his ear) If you truly love me, introduce me to John.
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Akpos and the Science Teacher

A new science teacher walks into the classroom. Akpos asks the new teacher "Excuse ma, if you mix Omo and Klin, will there be foam?"Teacher responds "Yes of course, why ask such a silly question at the beginning of the year, are you going to pass this class at all?"Akpos laughs and whispers to the other kids, "such a dumb teacher, how can you get foam without adding water, are we going to learn anything at all from this teacher?"
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Garri Bag

Akpos goes up to the Cotonou border on his bicycle. He had over his shoulders two large bags. The Customs Officer stopped him and asked, "What is inside the bags?""Garri", Akpos replied. The Customs Officer said, "Let me see. Come down from the bicycle." The Customs Officer took the bags and ripped them apart. He emptied them out and found nothing in them but garri. He detained Akpos overnight and had the garri analysed, only to discover that there was nothing but pure garri inside the bags. The Customs Officer released him, puts the garri into new bags, lifted them onto Akpos' shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happened. The Customs Officer asked, "What do you have there today?" Akpos replied, "Garri." The Customs officer does his thorough examination and discovered that the bags contain nothing but garri. He gave the garri back to Akpos, and Akpos crossed the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events was repeated everyday for four years. At last, Akpos did not show up again. One day, the Custom Officer met him in a drinking joint in Cotonou."Hey, my friend," said the Customs Officer, "I know you are smuggling something. It is driving me crazy. It's all I think about, I can't sleep. Just between you and I, what are you smuggling?" Akpos sipped his Hi-Malt and replied, "Bicycles!"
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Child Custody

Akpos and his wife were in court for divorce, the problem is who gets custody for the child! The wife jumps up and says, "Your honour, I brought the child into this world in pains and labour, he should be in my custody. "The judge turns to Akpos and asked what he has to say. AKPOS: (calmly) Your honour, if i put my ATM card into an ATM machine and cash comes out, whose cash is it? THE MACHINE OR MINE?"
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Yo Mama Jokes 1

Yo Momma so fat that when she asked for a water bed, they threw a blanket over the pacific ocean.
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Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her mind
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Yo mamma is such a bad cook that even the cockroaches throw up!
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Your mamma is so fat when she steps on the scales it says one at a time please.
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Yo momma's so fat, that when she went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.
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Little Johnny Jokes 1

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting fromother boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.One day he took his questions to his mother, and she becameflustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him tohide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sisterand her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnnydescribed everything to his mother.Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned offmost of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figuredsis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. Hemust have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse tofeel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as goodas the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them startedpanting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have beengetting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sisgot toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. Iknow it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel hadgotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pantsand stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed itin one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she gotreally scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she startedcalling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about theones I saw at the lake!Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit herback. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he tooka muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep itfrom biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get ascissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eelput up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and herboyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel bysquishing it between them.After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriendsat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead becauseit just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis andher boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courtinganyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn'tdead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eelsare like cats... They have nine lives or something.This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this timebecause I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet. Mother fainted.
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Giggling In Class

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade

6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started

writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a

giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see

you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had

forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very

top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder

giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the

punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three

weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she

turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This

time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the

classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well

teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
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Homework Palaver

TEACHER: Did you finish your homework?JOHNNY: Did you finish marking my test?  TEACHER: I have other children's tests to mark.
JOHNNY: I have other teachers' homework to do.
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Little Johnny was in bible study one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of johnny.   The teacher asked Sally who our Lord and savior was.   Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a pin and she screamed "Jesus Christ!"   And fell back to sleep.   A little while later the teacher asked Sally who created our world.   Johnny poked her in the butt again and Sally screamed "oh my god!"   And fell back to sleep.   Later the teacher asked Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fifth child.   Johnny poked her in the butt and Sally screamed "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!"
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Teacher: How old is your father? 
Johnny: As old as I am. 
Teacher: How is it possible?
Little Johnny: He became father only after I was born.
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Relationships Jokes 1

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
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What kind of Bees make honey? Honey Bees!What kind of Bees make Milk? BOOBIES!
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Old Chinese proverb:Rape impossible!Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!
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Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit. Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":* The Engagement Ring* The Wedding Ring* The Suffe-Ring* The Endu-Ring
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Recipe for Banana Bread

Ingredients:        
2 Laughing Eyes       
2 Loving Arms        
2 Well Shaped Legs        
2 Firm Milk Containers        
1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl       
2 Large Nuts        
1 Large Banana        
Method:        
1.  Look into Loving Eyes.        
2.  Fold in Loving Arms.        
3.  Spread Well Shaped Legs.        
4.  Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing             Bowl is well greased.  Check frequently with middle finger.        
5.  Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.         6.  Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.         Cake done when Banana becomes soft.  Be sure to wash mixing utensils         and don't lick the bowl.        
N.B.  If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
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PSJokes on Facebook

Everything I Need A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!" 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Having a dog is great, it's just the 'dog people' that freak me out. "Oh, look at her, she's precious,just like Mommy." Me?!? If I birthed something that had 8 nipples - it ain't leaving the house. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they're out of there. -Charlie Viracola 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 #PRMPSmartJokes For more jokes visit ➡️prmpsmartjokes.blogspot.com

Comedians Jokes 2

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. -Mitch Hedberg
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I never actually grasped the whole "Trick or treat" ultimatum. Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep, is this a choice?-Jerry Seinfeld
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The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.  -Conan O'Brien
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The IRS says they can't give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don't have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU money. -Jay Leno
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I was in a good mood last week. I entered a competition and won a years supply of marmite.....one jar!
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When i was a kid i used to pray for a new bike. But then I realised that the lord doesn't work that way, so i stole one and asked him to forgive me!
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Comedians Jokes 1

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."-Mitch Hedberg
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Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before-George Carlin
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eariler this week i went to the guy who invented the hokey pokey's funeral. It was a weird funeral. First they put his left leg in,then took his left leg out,they put his left leg in and they shaked it all about.Then they put his right leg in and then his right leg out,they put his left leg in and they shook it all about,and so on and so forth until he was totally in
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?-George Carlin
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Having a dog is great, it's just the 'dog people' that freak me out. "Oh, look at her, she's precious,just like Mommy." Me?!? If I birthed something that had 8 nipples - it ain't leaving the house.
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I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they're out of there-Charlie Viracola
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Answer me this Jokes 1

Q:Why is the number eight afraid of the number seven?  A:Because seven ate nine.
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Q: What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?   A: Boo-bees.
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Q: What is the difference between northern and southerner fairytales?  A: Northerner starts off with "Once upon a time..." a southerner starts with "listen to this shit..."
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Q: When Do You Congratulate Someone For Their Mistake. . .? Ans : On their Wedding. . .
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Q: What is height of Stupidity?  A: A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
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Husband and Wife Jokes 1

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.  He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.  One night they went to a party.   He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"  His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime youre ready, Father of Four!"
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Doctor:Madam, your husband needs rest and pease so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor:They are for you.!!
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Everything I Need

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55

mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at

him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,

but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60

mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of

it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend,

and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his

anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up,

and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's

up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the

credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward

a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything

you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,

"I've got the airbag!"
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A wife to her husband:  "Honey, what are you doing?"  "I'm reading our marriage certificate."  "What for?"  "I'm looking for the expiry date..."
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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there. " A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. " Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man. "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork. " The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man. " Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you. " The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here? "
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Akpos Jokes 18

The Solution

TEACHER: What's the difference between pollution and solution?                            AKPOS: When a politician drowns in water, that's pollution. But when they all drown, that's solution.
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Naked Eyes

In a biology class, the teacher asked a question... TEACHER: Microorganisms can't be seen with our two naked eyes but with what?AKPOS: With our two dressed eyes.
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Everybody Will Die

A pastor was preaching about death to his congregation. He said, "One day, every member of this church is going to die!" Akpos, who sat in the front row laughed at the excessively at the pastor. The pastor repeated it. "I said, one day, every member of this church is going to die!" Again the boy laughed out loud. The irritated pastor asked Akpos, "Son, what's so funny about that?"The boy said, "I'm not a member of this church!"
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Akpos in Big Trouble

Akpos goes to a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me a condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom. As he was going out he turns and says, "Give me another condom, my girlfriend's sister is very cute too, she always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me, I think I may strike luck there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom. As he was leaving, he again turns back and says, "Give me one more condom, my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute. When she sees me, she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move." During dinner, Akpos sat with his girlfriend on the left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the girlfriend's Dad walks in, Akpos lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer. "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given us........." 10 minutes after, Akpos was still praying, "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Another ten minutes goes by and he is still praying, keeping his head down, very close to the table. They all looked at each other surprised, his girlfriend even more shocked than the others. She gets close to him and whispers, "I didn't know you're so religious." Akpos replies, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!".Now if you were Akpos, what would you do?
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Akpos' Final Exam.

Akpos was taking his final exam at Police College in Kano. Here is one of the questions:"You are on patrol in the outskirts of Kano when an explosion occurs in the township.On investigation you find a large hole has been blown in the footpath and there is an overturned van lying nearby. Inside the van there is a strong smell of alcohol. Both occupants a man and woman are injured.You recognize the woman as the wife of your Divisional Inspector, who is at present away on a Peace Making Mission In Sudan.A passing motorist stops to offer you assistance and you realize that he is a man who is wanted for armed robbery.Suddenly a man runs out of a nearby house, shouting that his wife is expecting a baby and that the shock of the explosion has made the birth imminent.Another man is crying for help, having been blown into an adjacent Canal by the explosion, and he cannot swim.Describe in a few words what action you would take?"Akpos thought for a moment, picked up his pen, and wrote: "I would take off my uniform and mingle with the crowd, do you want to turn me to a mad man?"
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Funny Quotes Jokes 17

From great power comes a great electricity bill. -Unknown
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John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him. swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient. you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. l hung him there to dry."
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We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. -W. H. Auden
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People have told me to never say never, they broke their own rule! -Unknown
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Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 14

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. -Margaret Mead
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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. -Elbert Hubbard
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There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. -Chris Rock
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Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. -Anthony Burgess
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When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half. -Gracie Allen
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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled. -Unknown
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Akpos Jokes 17

What Are Friends For?

Akpos and Ochuko were drinking palm wine together. Ochuko said, "Akpos, I have a confession to make."Akpos asked, "What is it?" Ochuko said, "Last week, I slept with your wife. I am sorry." Akpos shouted, "You slept with my wife?!" Ochuko said, "Please forgive me."Akpos cooled down and said, "What are friends for? I forgive you." The following week, Ochuko was furious that someone had harvested all his crops in his farmland. During their drinking time in the evening, Akpos said to Ochuko, "Ochuko, I have a confession to make." Ochuko asked, "What is it?" Akpos said, "I was the one who harvested all your crops. I am very sorry I did that." Ochuko, after getting angry, said, "What are friends for? I forgive you." Two weeks later, they were drinking palm wine together when Ochuko said to Akpos, "Akpos, I have a confession to make." Akpos asked, "What is it?" Ochuko said, "I poisoned your drink because I was angry with you. Please forgive me.Akpos said, "So you poisoned my drink? Anyway what are friends for? I forgive you. I also have a confession tomake." Ochuko asked, "What is it?" Akpos said, "I am sorry! I exchanged our drinks. Please forgive me!"
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Blood Test

Akpos met Kwame crying at the entrance of the hospital. The following conversation ensued:AKPOS: Kwame, why are you crying?KWAME: I came for a blood test and they cut my finger for it.Suddenly Akpos started crying...KWAME: (wipes his tears) Akpos, why are you crying?AKPOS: I came here for a urine test.
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Who Slapped The President?

The President of Nigeria, his Deputy, Mr Akpos and a former Miss World, Agbani Darego were travelling in a train.The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it got completely dark. Suddenly there was a kissing sound and then a slap! The train came out of the tunnel. The deputy and Akpos were sitting down looking perplexed. The President was bent over holding his face, which was red from an apparent slap. All of them remained diplomatic and nobody said anything.The Deputy was thinking; "These men are all crazily after Agbani Darego. The President must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him."Agbani Darego was thinking: "The President must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Akpos instead and got slapped."The President was thinking; "Damn it, Akpos must have tried to kiss Agbani Darego and she thought it was me and slapped me."Akpos was thinking; "If this train goes through another tunnel, I would make another kissing sound and slap the President again."
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What Should I Send?

A girl was passing by and saw her boyfriend, Akpos standing by the ATM. She immediately hid and sent a romantic text to him, "Honey if you are sleeping right now, send me your dreams. Ifyou are laughing, send me your laughter. If you are eating, send me some food. If you are crying, send me your tears. If you are withdrawing from the ATM, send me some money."Akpos replies, "I'm in the toilet what should I send?"
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See Correct Children

Akpos?? father accompanied him to his school graduation awards party. As they sat watching amidst loud ovations, the beneficiaries were called to the podium for their awards. The following conversation ensued:ANNOUNCER: Best student in sciences; the winner is Kwame.FATHER: (applauds and eyes Akpos scornfully) See correct children!ANNOUNCER: Best student in commercial studies; the winner is Kemi.FATHER: (hisses and eyes Akpos again) See correct children!ANNOUNCER: Best student in Arts; the winner is Helen.FATHER: (fuming with anger) See correct children!And so, all the awards were presented without any going to Akpos. At the end of the event, they left and went to the car park but as his dad got ready to start the car, the engine refused to respond. He opened the bonnet and touched a few things but his efforts did not yield any response, so they resorted to pushing it. Just as they got to the exit of the school, the rickety car sparked up. Exhausted and profusely sweating, Akpos rested on the gate just as his mates were driving off with their parents in Hummer, Sequia, Infinity, Escalade, Bentley, Lincoln Navigator, Range Rover and other exotic cars. All of a sudden, Akpos burst into laughter.His puzzled father asked, "What??s so funny?"Amidst teary eyes, Akpos responded, "SEE CORRECT FATHERS!"
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Funny Quotes Jokes 15

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here. -Lauren Myracle
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Whoever said words don’t hurt never got hit in the head with a dictionary. -Unknown
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Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. -Jerry Lewis
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. -George Carlin
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I don’t really care whether a glass is half empty or half full, all I know is that I want my glass filled! -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 16

Relatives are like fires, the sooner they’re out, the better. -Unknown
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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. -Isaac Asimov
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The only time a woman can really succeed in changing a man is when he is a baby. -Natalie Wood
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Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. "You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when l have completed the operation." 80 Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub." Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. "Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early John's playing football." Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes. A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job. "Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours." Sam returned in 12 hours. "How did it go, Doc?" he asked. "I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied. "He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"
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If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? -Lily Tomlin
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PSJokes on Facebook

Boss comes up to an employee: Yesterday you did a great job - in one day you managed to do as much work, as you did in previous month! Thanks boss, thats because Facebook was shut down for the whole day. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Facebook is like a fridge. Even when u know there's nothing new going on, u still go on & check it every 10 minute. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 🚮Visit for more Jokes ⏩ prmpsmartjokes.blogspot.com

War Jokes

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON-
written from Central Spain, August 1812 Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H. M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and nine pence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance. 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. Your most obedient servant, Wellington
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A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant-Major! " the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave. "Yes sir," the Sgt. Major replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves? "Yes sir," the Sgt. Major replies. "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major? " the Colonel asks. The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of. "
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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it? "The tower responded, "Who is calling? "The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make? "The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force,it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. "
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During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1? " The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir. "
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At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,"Platoon, at ten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night. "The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that. " He didn't look very convinced. Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward. "Let me take this one, sergeant ", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, at ten-HUT! " They came to attention. "Good morning, men! " he said. "Good morning, sir ", they replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast! "
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Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand. "
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During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens. Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entire division to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune. But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and cups his hands to his lips. "Go back! " he shouts. "Go back! It's hopeless-- there's TWO of them! "
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During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C. O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way. " The C. O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction. "
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A young soldier was making his first parachute jump. The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up. "The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo! " and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that goddamn truck won't be there either! "
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There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from Mc Gwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive! " Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck! " The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals. " The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. "The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck. " So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship. " The Swabbie says, "You're right! " and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy. The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up. "
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Akpos Jokes 16

Weweechu

Akpos and his Girlfriend were taking a romantic walk down the beach one cold night. Akpos grabbed the girl's hands, drew her closer to himself, kissed her and said, "Baby, you know I love you so much. There's no one here. Its just the two of us, let's do 'WEWEECHU'." The girl looked around and said, "My love, I don't want to do 'WEWEECHU' please. Let's just hold hands and cuddle." Akpos agreed. After a while, Akpos asked her again, "Oh baby, my love, please Let's do 'WEWEECHU'!" The girl replied, "Baby, don't rush me. I don't want to do it. I just want to be wrapped in your arms." Akpos calmed down.After a long while, Akpos couldn't hold it any longer. He said, "My heartbeat, it's not fair oh! Let's do 'WEWEECHU' na! We haven't done it since last year oh! Let's do it now now." The girl reluctantly agreed. Akpos immediately grabbed her closer to himself, hugged her tightly, brought out the guitar strapped to his back and they both start singing, "WEWEECHU A MERRY CHRISTMAS! WEWEECHU A MERRY CHRISTMAS! WEWEECHU A MERRY CHRISTMAS! AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"Got you didn't I?! Dirty minds! What were you thinking 'WEWEECHU was?
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Best Interview

Akpos is a footballer who plays for one of the leading clubs in the world. His team-mates advised him to prepare answers in advance for post-match interviews because his English isnt that good. They had a few mock interviews, and told him to answer exactly the same way during the live interviews because they usually ask the same questions. But it backfired spectacularly, as this never-before-seen interview shows.REPORTER: Akpos, firstly, I hear that your wife is pregnant. Thats fantastic news, Congratulations!AKPOS: Yes, thank you. All credits goes to my teammates. Everyone worked hard for it, especially Emake Chiguoze. It was a tight situation when he came in, but his performance was great, with the help from Taiwo Ogunsanya, who looked like he was really enjoying himself. Special thanks to Kwame Adjo for finding space from impossibly tight angles. And not forgetting George Abbey, who showed lots of energy when everyone was tired.The reporter fainted!
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War Story

During an English lesson, the teacher instructed his students to write a composition.Question: Assume you are in a war, write a story on your experience?Akpos did not write anything and kept seated. The teacher got puzzled, walked to Akpos' desk and asked him why he was not doing the exercise.Akpos replied, "I was killed immediately at the beginning of the war."
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Sexy Sister-in-Law

Akpos had a girlfriend who was stunningly attractive, and his girlfriend had a sister who was more attractive. Just a day before their wedding, Akpos visited his girlfriend, he saw no one but his girlfriend's sister. While checking the wedding invitation together, She suddenly said to Akpos, "Come and keep me company." while slowly undressing.  She continued, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me. Akpos was stunned and frozen in shock as he watched her go up the stairs. He stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. Akpos opened the door, and headed straight towards his car. Lo and behold, his entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, his father-in-law hugged him and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. Akpos thought, "Thank God I forgot the condoms in the car."
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Akpors and The Police.

POLICE: Knock knock!

AKPORS: Who is knocking?

POLICE: Police.

AKPORS: What do you want?

POLICE: to talk.

AKPORS: How many are you?

POLICE: We are two.

AKPORS: Then talk to each other!
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Chemistry class

TEACHER: Class, what is the chemical symbol for Sodium?AKPOS: Na sir.TEACHER: What is the chemical symbol for Barium?AKPOS: Ba sir.TEACHER: What will you get if one atom of Ba is added to two atoms of Na?AKPOS: Banana sir
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Future Tense

TEACHER: "I killed a person", convert it to future tense.AKPOS: The future tense is, "You will go to jail".
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The Frog

A biology teacher draws a frog on the board:
TEACHER: Who can tell me what I just drew on the board? AKPOS: (raises his hand and stood up) You sir!Akpos has been expelled from school.
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Who Is A Pharmacist?

One day, Akpos was in class when the teacher walked in. After teaching for sometime, the teacher decided to make the class an interactive one. Here's what ensued...TEACHER: Who is a pharmacist?Only Akpos raised up his hand.TEACHER: Is it only Akpos who's in this class?Still there was nobody else to answer the question except Akpos.TEACHER: Ok Akpos, answer the question. But before you do, take this cane and beat everybody in the class with it.Akpos, filled with happiness, did as his teacher said and beat all his classmates with the cane in his hands.TEACHER: Now you can answer the question Akpors. Tell these dumb studentswho a pharmacist is.AKPOS: A pharmacist is a farmer who assist people.The teacher fainted!
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Jews in Nigeria

Akpos friend, Kwame who is from Ghana, asks Akpos if they have any Jews living in Nigeria. Akpos replies, "Definitely! We have orange jews, apple jews, grape jews... etc
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Akpos Jokes 15

Examples of Lines

Akpos keeps being punished in school for several reasons but he just won't change. The stubborn boy was in class one day when the following drama took place...TEACHER: Children, give me examples of lines that I have taught you.KWAME: Vertical lines.TEACHER: Very good, another one.MERCY: Horizontal line.TEACHER: Impressive, any other person?(Akpos from the back raised his hand up)TEACHER: Great, Akpos tell us.AKPOS: CAROLINE
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Blessed Are Those That See

A Reverend father was praying over the offering in church. Akpos opened his eyes and saw the father taking five thousand naira out of the bowl.  The father saw that Akpos caught him red-handed.So he said "Amen. Blessed are those who see and remain quiet.'' Akpos replied "For they shall receive their share, Halleluyah!"
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Two Babies

Akpos' wife was pregnant and the following conversation ensued:  WIFE: Darling, guess what? AKPOS: What?WIFE: I went for the scan today and the scan revealed that I'm pregnant with a set of twins.AKPOS: Really? Two babies?WIFE: (excited) Yes!AKPOS: So who is the father of the second child?
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Mathematics Riddle

In an International Mathematics competition...How do you write 4 in between 5?
CHINESE: Is this a Joke?
JAPANESE: Impossible!
AMERICAN: The question is wrong.
BRITON: Not found on the Internet.
AKPOS:  F(IV)E.
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Exam promise

Akpos read from cover to cover preparing for  his entrance examination. His father came to his room and saw him reading.FATHER: Akpos, make sure you pass that exam otherwise just forget that I'm your father!AKPOS: Sure thing dad, I'm bound to bring smiles to your face.5 HOURS LATER...FATHER: So my son, how was your exam? I'm sure u passed it excellently... AKPOS: Sorry excuse me, do I know you?
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Advanced Questions

One day, Akpos who was in primary three, approached his teacher. Akpos said, "Mam, I should be in primary four, Im smarter than my sister and shes in the primary four."The Mam (Teacher) had heard enough of his complaints and took Akpos to the Principals office. She explained everything to the Principal who decided to test Akpos with some questions that a primary four pupil should know.PRINCIPAL: Whats 3 + 3?AKPOS: 6!PRINCIPAL: 6 + 6?AKPOS: 12!And so on...The Principal asked the boy many questions and Akpos got them right. The Principal then asked Mam to send Akpos to primary four. Mam decided to ask some more questions and the Principal agreed.MAM: What does a cow have four of, that Ive only two of?AKPOS: Legs!MAM: Whats in your pants that you have but I dont have?AKPOS: Pockets!MAM: What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?AKPOS: Coconut!MAM: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?The principals eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.AKPOS: Bubble Gum!MAM: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. What am I?AKPOS: Tent!The principal was looking restless.MAM: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when youre bored. The best man always has me first and what am I?AKPOS: Wedding Ring!MAM: I come in many sizes. When Im not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?AKPOS: Nose!MAM: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver?AKPOS: Arrow!MAM: What starts with F and ends with a K and if you dont get it, you have to use your hand?AKPOS:Fork!MAM: Whats it that all men have, its longer in some men than others, the Pope doesnt use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?AKPOS: Surname!MAM: What part of the man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumping and is responsible for making love?AKPOS: Heart!The principal heaved a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Send Akpos to the University! I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
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No Nose

TEACHER: What do you call someone with no body and a nose?
AKPOS: Nobody Knows...
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Real Movie

A movie director needed an extra to act a scene which involves depicting a gateman. So they offered Akpos, who was incidentally the gateman at the house they were filming, to play the role. The director gave Akpos a cutlass and told him to give a pretence chase behind the main actor who was playing the role of a thief. The director said to Akpos, When you hear action, start chasing this guy with the cutlass. Do you understand? Akpos nodded in affirmation. Immediately the Director shouted Action, Akpos did exactly as he was told and started chasing the other actor round the compound. As the actor was about to scale the fence, the director screamed, Cut! Cut! Cut!" The actor is presently recuperating in the hospital.
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Escape From Yaba Left

Akpos escaped from Yaba Psychiatric Hospital. When he got home, he called the Psychiatric Hospital on phone and asked; "Is there any one in Room eight at Ward one?" The Receptionist on phone replied; "Just a minute sir hold on let me check." A while later the Receptionist came back on the phone and said; "There is no one sir." Akpos exclaimed; "Wow! Okay my dear." The Receptionist said; "But why did you ask sir?." Akpos replied; "I want to be sure that I've escaped."
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No One Knows Tomorrow

During a CRK class...TEACHER: No one knows tomorrow except ________?(Akpos raised his hands)TEACHER: Okay Akpos, tell us, who knows tomorrow?AKPOS: Sir, me!TEACHER: (surprised) And what's tomorrow? AKPOS: Tomorrow is Wednesday.
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Popular Jokes 13

May our friendship turn in2 silver, silver in2 Gold, gold in2 Dimonds…… and may our dimonds b 4ever. Then we sell it OK. 50/50.
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There is a little white boy with an all white family playing outside in the mud.
He rolls around and realizes he is covered in mud.He goes inside and tells his mom "Look mom I'm black." She says come here. He went and she whooped him.
She said go tell your dad what you did.
He went to his dad and said "Look dad i'm black." He said come here and he started to whoop him. Go to your grandma and tell her what you did. The grandma did the same thing. He went back to his mom and she asked "What have you learned today?" The boy said "I've been black for five minutes and I already hate you white basterds!!!"
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A Girl's Argument

What's the difference between a knife and a girl's argument?                A knife has a point.
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Types of Salaries

These are the names of different salaries...

1. Onion Salary – You grab it, you open it, and you cry.

2. Storm Salary – You don’t know when it’s coming or going.

3. Menstrual Salary – It comes once a month and lasts only four days.

4. Magic Salary – You touch it and it disappears.

5. Amnesia Salary – You can’t remember what you spent it on.

6. Time Traveling Salary – You spend it paying various debts even before you collect it.

Which one have you ever experienced?
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whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there’s an idiot pulling a door that says “PUSH”
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The saddest story

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott,

"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
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Mistaken Identity

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael, Mark was the owner of a old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank.A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
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Hillary With St. Peter

Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one second.

St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.

Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

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Suicide Bombing School

Imagine a school where suicide bombing Is being taught, the teachers would say to the students..."Please, pay attention, I'm only going to do this once!"
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Popular Jokes 12

First On The Sun

USA: My country had the first man on the moon  JAPAN: My country will have the first man on mars. SOUTH AFRICA: We will be the first on the sun JAPAN: But you will die SOUTH AFRICA : No worries, we will go in the night
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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
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Height of Insult

Guide: I welcome you all to Niagra falls. This is the world’s largest waterfall & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can’t be heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls…….
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A Mistake

A 8 year old boy entered his dad's room to talk to his dad who was reading a newspaper, the following discussion went on:  BOY: Dad what is a mistake? DAD: Son, a mistake is something that is not done deliberately by a person and very sorry about it, he's meant to be forgiven.  BOY: Well in that case dad, I mistakenly sold the house and the cars and I'm very sorry about it.
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Do Not Urinate Here!

A signboard which reads "DO NOT URINATE HERE. OFFENDERS WILL BE FINED 500 NAIRA" was by a road side. A man was caught urinating at the exact spot by a police officer and their conversation goes thus:POLICE: Why are you urinating here? Didn't you read the signboard?MAN: I'm sorry.POLICE: You'll have to pay a fine of 500 nairaThe man gave the police officer 1000 naira and demanded for his change:POLICE: You'll have to urinate one more time because I have no change.
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A Bad Accident

A journalist was standing by the roadside. Suddenly, he heard a car screech and saw a huge crowd gather at the other end of the road.He got to the scene of the accident 5 minutes later and saw a mammoth crowd in an apparent circle. "The person down there must have been hit by a car." He thought to himself.He decides to investigate further and tries to force his way through the crowd but was unsuccessful. His journalistic skills kicked into gear and he shouted, "PLEASE! MAKE WAY! I AM THE SON OF THE VICTIM." The crowd suddenly made way. He got to the centre of the crowd's attention and found out that the "victim" lying on the ground was a DOG.
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Daily Stupid Questions

Someone calls you at 2am and asks, "Are you sleeping?"Response: "No! I'm picking beans."When its raining and someone notices you going out yet they ask, "Are you going out in this rain?"Response: "No! In the next one."You are making out with your girlfriend then you start pulling her panties then she asks, "What are you trying to do?"Response: "I want to wash it for you."They see you coming out of the bathroom wet, yet they ask, "Did you just have a bath?"Response: "No, I fell into the toilet bowl."You're standing in front of the elevator on the ground floor going to your office, yet they ask, "Are you going up?"Response: "No, I'm waiting for my Office to come down and get me."Your boyfriend comes home with a bunch of flowers, and you still ask, "Are those flowers?"Response: "No baby, they're condoms!"You are in a queue at the cinema to buy ticket, a friend see's you and asks, "What are you doing here?"Response: "I'm here to pay my school fees."You are relieving yourself in the toilet and someone knocks the door and tries to open it. Its obviously locked. And then the person asks, Is anybody in there? Response: No. The shit locked the door and is talking to you.You stumble and fall into a gutter and your leg is bent at an awkward angle. People gather and ask, Are you okay? Response: "No. I'm just hanging out my leg, waiting for it to dry.
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The Pope Driving?

The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."But the Pope persists, "Please?"The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.COP: Chief, I have a problem.CHIEF: What sort of problem?COP: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.CHIEF: Important like the mayor?COP: No, no, much more important than that.CHIEF: Important like the governor?COP: Way more important than that.CHIEF: Like the president?COP: Much more important.CHIEF: Who's more important than the president?COP: I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!
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Oxymoron

English is a funny Language. One fascinating word of English Language is Oxymoron: An Oxymoron is defined as a phrase in which two words of opposite meanings are brought together. Here are some area scatter oxymorons...1) Independently dependent. 2) Clearly Misunderstood. 3) Exact Estimate. 4) Small Crowd. 5) Act Naturally. 6) Found Missing. 7) Fully Empty. 8) Pretty Ugly. 9) Seriously Funny. 10) Only Choice. 11) Original Copies. 12) Open Secret. 13) Tragic Comedy. 14) Foolish Wisdom. 15) Liquid Gas. 16) Stupidly Intelligent. 17) Richly Poor. 18) Naturally Homemade. 19) Impatiently Waiting. 20) Living Dead. 21) Beautifully Ugly. 22) Educated Illiterate. And The Mother of all...HAPPILY MARRIED  You can add More Below...
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My Father's The Best

Three boys were bragging about their fathers. The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"

The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"

The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"
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Popular Jokes 11

I wasn't drunk

FRIEND: You were so drunk last night...ME: No I wasn't!FRIEND: You called a taxi to take you home.ME: Yes so I will not be involved in an accident.FRIEND: [SMH] The party was at your house!
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An elderly couple is sitting in church. The woman says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" The man turns to her and says, "Well, you can start by changing the battery in your hearing aid."
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An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out...

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the Indian comes to Walmart with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out...!!!

He shouts at the Indian, What the hell...!!! This is shit, you Idiot...!!!???

The Indian calmly replies, Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper...???
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Marry Him!

A man was about dying. In his last request, he pleaded with his wife to marry Joe.

WIFE: Joe? Isn't he your worst enemy? The very one who wants you dead?

HUSBAND: Yes. Marry him!

WIFE: No, I wont!

HUSBAND: Please do!

WIFE: Why?

HUSBAND: Because all these years I have suffered, let him suffer too!
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Stupid Students

TEACHER: Who is the President of Nigeria?CHILDREN: (They all chorused) Lamido Sanusi!TEACHER: Correct! Who is the Minister of Defence?CHILDREN: Asari Dokubo!TEACHER: Good! What is the capital city of Nigeria?CHILDREN: Enugu!TEACHER: Very good! Who composed the National Anthem?CHILDREN: D-Banj!TEACHER: Excellent. What do you call people from Moscow?CHILDREN: Mosquitoes!TEACHER: Perfect! How much is 2 + 5?CHILDREN: 25!TEACHER: That's great! You're going to be stupid like this until your government increases my salary!
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Fruits Game

APPLE: I look like a Human heart. MANGO: I look like a Stomach. GRAPES: I look like Eyes.. BANANA: I don't like this Game!
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Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
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I should have

WIFE: I should have married the devil. Even he would make a better husband than you.HUSBAND: But honey, marriage between relatives is illegal.
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7 So True Fact About Women

Believe It 1. Most important thing for
WOMEN is FINANCIAL SECURITY ! 2. Although this is important,
They still go out & buy
expensive clothes ! 3. Although they always buy
expensive clothes , they never
have anything to wear ! 4. Although they never have
nothing to wear they always
dress beautifully ! 5. Although they always dress
beautifully , they are never
satisfied ! 6. Although they are never
satisfied, they always expect men
to compliment them ! 7. Although they expect men to
compliment them, when they do
they don’t believe them … =P =D
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Coloured People

A white man said, "colored people are not allowed here." The black man responded "Listen sir, when I was born I was BLACK when I grew up I was BLACK, when I'm sick I'm BLACK, when I go in the sun I'm BLACK, when I'm cold I'm BLACK, when I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir. When you are born you're PINK When you grow up you're WHITE, when you're sick, you'reGREEN, when you go in the sun you turn RED, when you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerves to call me colored?!!!"
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Popular Jokes 10

A Picture Can Describe
Thousand Words ….!
But
With The Help 0f
Photo-shop
…It Can Tell Thousand Lies… ! =P =D
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Valentine died for love,
Romeo also died for love,
Jack in Titanic died for love,
Samson in the Bible died for love,
Greek heroes Hercules and Achilles died 4 love.
Even Jesus Christ died for love!
Where are the women?

Don't buy any woman a Valentine's treat/ Gift/ Diamond ring this year until she gives you atleast 5 names of women who died for love...
Because no woman would die for love...

Wake up guys... Jaago Boyfriends jaago.
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What happens when a lion roars thrice?
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Think
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Any guess?
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Ok, I will tell you..
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Tom & Jerry cartoon begins!
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Best Goalkeepers

Women are the best goalkeepers in the world because no matter what you do, the BALLS never go in.
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If Your Teacher Puts
2x + 5×2 / -8 + 21
0n The Board
And
Tells You To
“Solve The Problem” Get Up n Erase The Board
Problem Solved … :p=D
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Get Out Of The Car

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.
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Don't Make A Woman Cry

Dont make a woman cry! There is nothing as expensive as a womans tears. When a single drop of tear comes out, it first mixes with Loreal Eye Liner; 7,500 Naira and Revlon Mascara; 8,500 Naira, then when it rolls down the cheek, it mixes with Estee Lauder Foundation; 11,000 Naira, Zaron Blush; 15,000 Naira and Mac Powder; 19,000 Naira. Then, finally, when it touches the lips, it gets mixed with Maybelline Lipstick; 12,000 Naira and Avonlip Gloss; 5,000 Naira. A single drop of a womans tear is running for about 78,000 Naira, so please, don't make her cry. But you can make a man cry, it is only Vaseline; 150 Naira and Powder; 200 Naira. Total for men; 350 Naira.
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Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
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Wicked Ladies

Ladies are wicked. They will lay on your chest and ask, "Honey have you ever cheated on me?" ...then wait for your heart to beat fast.
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Sometimes you might catch me staring at you. It's not because you are cute but bcoz my mom told me that devils have tails and I'm just wondering where's yours?  
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