School Jokes 12

Fred: I got 100 in school today.

Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?

Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History.

Mother: Well, at least you can add!
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Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three what would you have?

Pupil : A fight!
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What did you learn in school today?

Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
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Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!

Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
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Professor: A wise man doubts everything. 

Only a pin-head is positive. 

Student: Are you sure of that, sir? 

Professor: Positive.
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School Jokes 11

Special High Intensity Teaching Memo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity From students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S. H. I. T.). We are trying to give our students more S. H. I. T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S. H. I. T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle. Students who don't know S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T.). Those who fail to take D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E. A. T. S. H. I. T.). Since our lecturers took S. H. I. T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S. H. I. T. anymore, as they are all full of S. H. I. T. already. If you are full of S. H. I. T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B. U. L. L. S. H. I. T.). For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H. O. T. S. H. I. T.). Thank you,BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B. I. G. S. H. I. T.)
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Joey and Katie are sitting in school.  Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.  "Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.  "Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.  "Correct." Says the teacher.  So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?"   Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joeys pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.  "Correct again." Says the teacher.  So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"  Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joeys pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"
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Teacher: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?  Father: No. Why do you ask that?  Teacher: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
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One morning a boy walks in to class late  His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"  He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"  15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks where have you been she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"  2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"
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What is the longest word in the English language?  Smiles: there is a mile between the first and last letters!
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School Jokes 10

The answer to the problem was “log(1+x)”.   A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn’t want to make it obvious that he was  cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to “timber(1+x).”
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Stacy: You know Tracy, sometimes I don't understand life.  Tracy: What do you mean?  Stacy: When we were a younger, we learnt to talk and to walk. At school, we always have to sit down and shut up...
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"                                                    At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:"How much for a season pass?"
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Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.   Everyone must attend it.  Mary: No madam! I will not be able to attend it.  Teacher: Why?  Mary: My mother will not allow me to go so far!
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.   At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.   The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,   “Take only one. God is watching.”  Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.   One child whispered to another, “Take all you want.   God is watching the apples.”
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School Jokes 9

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.   She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.  Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things.   What am I?”   A little boy on the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”
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A gentleman wanders around the campus of a school looking for the library.   He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?”   The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!”  The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, “I beg your pardon.   Please allow me to rephrase my question.   Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, idiot?”
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One day a college professor after getting irritated in his college class stands up in front of the class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and if there is one then he/she should stand up.   After a minute a young man stands up.   The professor then asks that guy if he actually thinks he is an idiot.   The boy replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
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Father: Son this time, you have to score 90% marks in your exams.  Son: No father Ill score 100% marks.  Father: Why are you kidding?  Son: Who started?
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Teacher: “You know you can’t sleep in my class.”  Boy: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”
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School Jokes 8

Teacher: “How can you prove the earth is round?”  Boy: “I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.”
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Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"  Ramu: "The moon".  Teacher: "Why?"  Ramu: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the  day time when we don't need it".
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Boy: The principal is so dumb!  Girl: Do you know who I am?  Boy: No...  Girl: I am the principals daughter!  Boy: Do you know who I am?  Girl: No...  Boy: Good! *walks away*
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Teacher: “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”  Boy: “Seven!”  Teacher: “No, listen carefully again.   If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”  Boy: “Seven!”  Teacher: “Let’s try this another way.   If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?”  Boy: “Six.”  Teacher: “Good.   Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”  Boy: “Seven!”  Teacher: “How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?”  Boy: “I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!”
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Jimmy: Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?  Teacher: no, of course not.  Jimmy: good, because I didn't do my homework.
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School Jokes 7

"Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?"  "Dont tell me that they havent found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!"
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Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "t".  Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.
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Teacher: Ramu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brothers.   Did u copy his?  Ramu: No, teacher, its the same dog!
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Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"  Sam: "I don't know."  Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."  Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"
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Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with a direct object?  Student: You are pretty.  Teacher: What’s the direct object?  Student: A good report card.
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School Jokes 6

Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little   attention."  Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"
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Teacher: “You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?”
Boy: “Not a bit!”
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Teacher: Why are you late?  Ramu: Because of the sign.  Teacher: What sign?  Ramu: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.   The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?”   Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”  The teacher had had enough.     She took Harry to the principal’s office.  While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.   The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.   The teacher agreed.  Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.  Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”  Harry: “9″.  Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”  Harry: “36″.  And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.   The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.”  The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”  The principal and Harry both agree.  The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”  Harry, after a moment, “Legs.”  Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”   The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!  Harry replied, “Pockets.”  Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”  Harry: “Pants”  Teacher: "What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"  Harry: Coconut  The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.  Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"  Harry: "Bubblegum"  Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"  The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.  Harry: "Shake hands"  Teacher: "Now I will ask some “Who am I sort of questions, okay?"  Harry: "Yep."  Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."  Harry: "Tent"  Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first."  Principal was looking restless and bit tense.  Harry: "Wedding Ring"  Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."  Harry: "Nose"  Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."  Harry: "Arrow"  Teacher: "What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?"  Harry: "Firetruck"  The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”
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Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?  Pupil: Because it can’t sit down!  An ideal homework excuse  Teacher: Where is your homework?  Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school  Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?  Pupil: That’s not fair!  You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
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School Jokes 5

This guy went to school and he asked  "May I use the bathroom?"  The teacher replied, " no not unless you say your abcs."  The guy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."  The teacher asked "Wheres the p?  He replied, " running down my leg!"
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Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?   Fred: None!   Fred (surprised): Why not?   Fred: Because you cant lay eggs!
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Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."   Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Teacher: “Suppose there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence.   How many would be left?”  Boy: “None.”  Teacher: “None? You don’t know your arithmetic!”  Boy: “Teacher, you don’t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!”
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The teacher said to Danny: "Why are you in the floor?"  Danny said: "Because you said to do this Math problem without Tables."
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School Jokes 4

One night 4 MBA students were outing till late night and didn`t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.   In the morning they thought of a plan.   They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.   They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.    Then dean was a just person so he said that you can have the retest after 3 days.   They said they will be ready by that time.   On the third day they appeared before the dean.   The dean said that this was a special condition test.    All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.   They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days.   The test consisted of 2 questions with total of 100 marks:  Q.1. Write down your name –(2 marks)  Q.2. Which tyre burst — (98 marks)
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Teacher: If you eat fish?  Student: Its good for my eyes.  Teacher: If you don't eat fish?  Student: Its good for the fish!
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Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?   Student: No, he did it all by himself.
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Teacher: "Ramu, you talk a lot !"  Ramu: "Its a family tradition".  Teacher: "What do you mean?"  Ramu: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".  Teacher: "What about your mother?"  Ramu: "She's a woman".
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Mom: What did you do at school today?  Mark: We did a guessing game.  Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam.  Mark: That’s right!
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School Jokes 3

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.   The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”  The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!”  The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?”  The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.”  The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”  The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”  The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”  To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”
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Teacher: What makes you see?  Bobyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears.  Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose?  Bobyjack: Its to hold my glasses!
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Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?  Ramu: "HIJKLMNO"!!  Teacher: What are you talking about?  Ramu: Yesterday you said its H to O!
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Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.  One boy throws his bag out the window.  Teacher: who just threw that?!  Boy: Me! I’m going home now.
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Teacher: Where is your homework? 
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school.
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School Jokes 3

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.   The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”  The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!”  The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?”  The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.”  The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”  The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”  The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”  To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”
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Teacher: What makes you see?  Bobyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears.  Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose?  Bobyjack: Its to hold my glasses!
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Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?  Ramu: "HIJKLMNO"!!  Teacher: What are you talking about?  Ramu: Yesterday you said its H to O!
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Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.  One boy throws his bag out the window.  Teacher: who just threw that?!  Boy: Me! I’m going home now.
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Teacher: Where is your homework? 
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school.
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School Jokes 2

What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?   The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says ‘chew chew chew’.
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."  The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.   He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.   Every hand went up.  The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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Maths teacher: "If you have 12 chocolates and you give  5 to Priya,  3 to Sonia and  2 to Penny then what will you get?"  "3 new Girlfriends!"
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A teacher asked a student to write 55.  Student asked: How?  Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!  The student wrote 5 and stopped.  Teacher: What are you waiting for?  Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
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A little girl came home from school and said to her mother,   “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.   “The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible!   I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”  The little girl replied, “My homework.”
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School Jokes 1

Teacher: "I killed a person, tell me this sentence in future tense."  Student: "In future tense, You will go to jail."
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Teacher: "Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once.   How much is six plus four?"  Class: "At once!"
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Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?  Student: A teacher!
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"Dad, I dont want to go to school today." said the boy.  "Why not, son?"  "Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."  "But why dont you want to go today?"  "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
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Did anyone ever notice that "STUDYING" is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?
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