Funny Quotes Jokes 17

From great power comes a great electricity bill. -Unknown
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John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him. swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient. you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. l hung him there to dry."
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We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. -W. H. Auden
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People have told me to never say never, they broke their own rule! -Unknown
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Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 14

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. -Margaret Mead
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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. -Elbert Hubbard
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There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. -Chris Rock
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Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. -Anthony Burgess
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When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half. -Gracie Allen
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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled. -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 15

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here. -Lauren Myracle
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Whoever said words don’t hurt never got hit in the head with a dictionary. -Unknown
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Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. -Jerry Lewis
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. -George Carlin
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I don’t really care whether a glass is half empty or half full, all I know is that I want my glass filled! -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 16

Relatives are like fires, the sooner they’re out, the better. -Unknown
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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. -Isaac Asimov
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The only time a woman can really succeed in changing a man is when he is a baby. -Natalie Wood
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Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. "You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when l have completed the operation." 80 Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub." Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. "Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early John's playing football." Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes. A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job. "Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours." Sam returned in 12 hours. "How did it go, Doc?" he asked. "I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied. "He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"
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If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? -Lily Tomlin
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Funny Quotes Jokes 13

I hate it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person who looks good refuses to delete it. -Unknown
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If the stuff that comes out of my mouth upsets you, just think of all the things I keep to myself. -Unknown
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She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. -Groucho Marx
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Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. -Ambrose Bierce
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. -George Carlin
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My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? -Margaret Smith
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Funny Quotes Jokes 12

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate. -Mark Twain
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My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. -Winston Churchill
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We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing! -Unknown
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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it. -Unknown
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Don’t believe any rumor until the government denies it. -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 11

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -W. C. Fields
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Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. -Mark Twain
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A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice. -Bill Cosby
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If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. -Logan Pearsall Smith
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When someone says “Can I ask you a question?” they didn’t really give you a choice. -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 10

I did not slap you, I simply high fived your face! -Unknown
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When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. -Steven Wright
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I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food. -Robert Orben
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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? -Unknown
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As I said before, I never repeat myself. -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 9

If the stuff that comes out of my mouth upsets you, just think of all the things I keep to myself. -Unknown
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I hate it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person who looks good refuses to delete it. -Unknown
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Elephant

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.
The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”
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I’m proud of myself I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and the box said 2-4 years! -Unknown
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I only drink alchohol on days that end in y... -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 8

People tell me there is plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish. -Unknown
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If there was an award for laziness I’d probably send somebody else to pick it up for me. -Unknown
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Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up. -Unknown
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I turned my phone onto Airplane mode and threw it up into the air. Worst Transformer Ever. -Unknown
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Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls. -Unknown
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Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, and you’ll end up in the hospital. -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 7

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. -Oscar Wilde
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There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot. -L
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I hate how when I read in my head I sound like a pro, but when I read out loud I sound like an idiot. -Unknown
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Never steal. The government hates competition. -Unknown
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Now I started remembering why I dont remember anything! -Homer Simpson
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. -Steven Wright
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Funny Quotes Jokes 6

The girl who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. -Unknown
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Mouthology

A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:
“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?
The sailor said no to all his questions.
Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.
After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?
The professor said no.
Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.
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I’m not a complete idiot. Some pieces are missing. -Unknown
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Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep. -Charles M. Schulz
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They say that love is more important than money, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug? -Nishan Panwar
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An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. -Will Rogers
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Funny Quotes Jokes 5

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. -Ron White
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I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory. -Unknown
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If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -Laurence J. Peter
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. -Jerry Seinfeld
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Be nice to nerds, because you may end up working for one! -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 4

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. -Unknown
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A Doctor

A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery. He answered the call asap, changed his clothes & went directly to the surgery block. He found the boy's father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor. On seeing him, the dad yelled:
"Why did you take all this time to come? Don't you know that my son's life is in danger? Don't you have any sense of responsibility?"
The doctor smiled & said:
"I am sorry, I wasn't in the hospital & I came as fast as I could after receiving the call...... And now, I wish you'd calm down so that I can do my work"
"Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you  do??" said the father angrily
The doctor smiled again & replied: "I will say what Job said in the Holy Book "From dust we came & to dust we return, blessed be the name of God". Doctors cannot prolong lives. Go & intercede for your son, we will do our best by God's grace"
"Giving advises when we're not concerned is so easy" Murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy,
"Thank goodness!, your son is saved!" And without waiting for the father's reply he carried on his way running. "If you have any question, ask the nurse!!"
"Why is he so arrogant? He couldn't wait some minutes so that I ask about my son's state" Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: "His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son's surgery. And now that he saved your son's life, he left running to finish his son's burial."
Moral - Never judge anyone..... because you never know how their life is and what they're going through"
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There were a boy and a girl who loved each other much. But due to some minor reasons they broke up. After the broke up, here are the thoughts they were thinking about each others.
BOY - at last I broke up with her.
GIRL - He broke up with me, at last
BOY -  I don't know why I did that?
GIRL - he may have a strong Reason for leave me.
BOY -  I was so happy with her. She was so perfect !!!
GIRL - All I did was disappoint him, I could have considered it, before.
BOY  - I got a new girl which I don't even like.
GIRL - He got a new girl which he's in love with.
BOY  - I got a new girl, It's only because I couldn't get my mind off from her..
GIRL - He doesn't even think of me.
BOY  - No one can replace her in my life.
GIRL - He replaced me with that Girl, so simply.
BOY  - She was so much better than my new girl friend.
GIRL - She has everything I don't.
BOY  - I want her back, so madly.
GIRL - He doesn't even want to hear my name.
BOY  - She's everything to me.
GIRL - I'm nothing to him.
BOY  - But now she probably hates me.
GIRL - But I can never hate him..
BOY  - I miss her so much.
GIRL - I miss him.
BOY - Still I love her.
GIRL - Still I love him...
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Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh, and they’ll think you’re on drugs! -Unknown
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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. -Isaac Asimov
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Funny Quotes Jokes 3

I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug. -Unknown
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The first sign of madness is talking to yourself, the second sign is replying. -Unknown
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A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog. "I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home." The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?" The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"
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Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so what’s the point of practicing?
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It takes patience to listen... It takes skill to pretend you’re listening. -Unknown
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Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 2

I am making some changes in my life. If you don’t hear from me, your one of them. -Unknown
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Teachers call it cheating, students call it teamwork. -Unknown
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Blind girl

There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her.
She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her, “Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?”
The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him. Her boyfriend walked away in tears.
Later, he wrote a letter to her. It read: “Just take care of your eyes my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.”
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I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug. -Unknown
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The first sign of madness is talking to yourself, the second sign is replying. -Unknown
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Funny Quotes Jokes 1

Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you. -Unknown
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When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to…But when a boy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two. -Unknown
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All guys hate the words DON’T and STOP unless they’re put together. -Unknown
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The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons and morons. -Unknown
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The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons and morons. -Unknown
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