Comedians Jokes 2

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. -Mitch Hedberg
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I never actually grasped the whole "Trick or treat" ultimatum. Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep, is this a choice?-Jerry Seinfeld
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The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.  -Conan O'Brien
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The IRS says they can't give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don't have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU money. -Jay Leno
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I was in a good mood last week. I entered a competition and won a years supply of marmite.....one jar!
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When i was a kid i used to pray for a new bike. But then I realised that the lord doesn't work that way, so i stole one and asked him to forgive me!
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Comedians Jokes 1

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."-Mitch Hedberg
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Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before-George Carlin
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eariler this week i went to the guy who invented the hokey pokey's funeral. It was a weird funeral. First they put his left leg in,then took his left leg out,they put his left leg in and they shaked it all about.Then they put his right leg in and then his right leg out,they put his left leg in and they shook it all about,and so on and so forth until he was totally in
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?-George Carlin
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Having a dog is great, it's just the 'dog people' that freak me out. "Oh, look at her, she's precious,just like Mommy." Me?!? If I birthed something that had 8 nipples - it ain't leaving the house.
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I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they're out of there-Charlie Viracola
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