Akpos Jokes 20

Crocodile Spelling

TEACHER: Akpos, how do you spell "crocodile"? AKPOS: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"TEACHER: No, that's wrong.AKPOS: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Everybody Down!

Akpos went to rob a city bank."Everybody down!" Akpos shouted.Everyone laid flat on the ground. "Where is the bank manager?" He asked. A young fearful man stood up and said, "Here I am."Akpos: Open the safe and bring out all d money.MANAGER: (stammering) No,I can't sir.Akpos; What?! Are you crazy?! You are lucky I'm with a toy gun, I would have blown your brains off!...Akpos is currently receiving treatment at the prison hospital.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Missing Purse

Akpos returns a missing purse to the owner in a market. The lady was so grateful but when she looked inside, she got confused and said, "But I had just a single note of a thousand naira, now there are ten notes of one hundred naira, how come?" Akpos said, "I changed it, because the last time I helped someone to find her purse, she said she would have given me some money but there is no change available."
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Job Recruitment

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new CEO for Microsoft Europe. Five thousand candidates assembled in a large room.One of the candidate is Akpos. Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asked those who do not know Java program to leave. Two thousand candidates leave the room. Akpos says to himself, "I do not know Java but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try."Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. Two thousand leave the room. Akpos says to himself, "I've never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What will be the worse thing that can happen?" So he stays.Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. Five hundred people leave the room. Akpos says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?" So he stays in the room.Lastly, Bill gates asked the candidates who do not speak German to leave. Four hundred and ninety-eight candidates leave the room. Akpos says to himself, "I do not speak one word of German but what do I have to lose? So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them and said, "Apparently, you are the only two candidates who speak German, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language."Calmly, Akpos turns to the other candidate and says, "Omo, na wa o!"  The other candidate answers, "Omo, Wetin we go do o."
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Stolen Sugar

Akpos enters a Spar Store to buy himself orange juice and sugar. He paid for the juice and walked out with the sugar under his arm , unpaid. He was arrested and locked up. During the court hearing, the judge asked him why he only paid for the juice and stole the sugar.Akpos replied, "I did not steal the sugar! At the back of the juice bottle was written, "SUGAR FREE!". You think I'm stupid or what?"
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Husband and Wife Jokes 5

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”  “What?   Are you crazy?   The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!” “I know all that.”   “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”   “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?  Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be,
This widow had a grown-up daughter, with flowing hair of red,
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife,
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run,
And this made him my grandson, for he was my daughter's son,
My wife is now my mother's mother and this makes me very blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's now my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild,
And every time I think of this, it simply drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case that you ever saw,
As the husband of my grandmother, I am now my own grandpa!

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands allday. Husband: I too wish that u were a newspapers so I could have a new one everyday.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had avery embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on. "So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control any lingering effects. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight. "He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a rotten egg gone worse. When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her blind fold. And when she did, 50 people around her said "Surprise! "
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Husband and Wife Jokes 4

Husband texts to wife on cell.. Hi,what r u doing Darling? Wife: Im dying..! Husband jumps with joy but types Sweet Heart, how can I live without U? Wife: U idiot! Im dying my hair.. Husband: Bloody English Language!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, were on the trucks. From now on, were going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, were going to make passionate love."  The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes.  "Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed.  "Bell 3," and they began to make love.  After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!"  "Whats Bell 4?" the husband asks.  "More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair. 11. Shave armpits and legs. 12. Turn off shower. 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs. 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Wash your face 6. Wash your armpits. 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. 11. Shampoo your hair. 12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pee. 14. Rinse off and get out of shower. 15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. 16. Admire wiener size in mirror again. 17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 19. Throw wet towel on bed.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's wife, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks. Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. " If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise.......well... He'll probably die"On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" she replied. "Honey.....he says you're probably going to die."
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

PSJokes on Facebook

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads. "Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing. "Moooo ... Moooooo ... Moooooooon River ...!"😂😂😂 ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.😊😊😂 ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."😂😂 #PRMPSmartJokes

School Jokes 3

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.   The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”  The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!”  The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?”  The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.”  The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”  The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”  The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”  To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Teacher: What makes you see?  Bobyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears.  Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose?  Bobyjack: Its to hold my glasses!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?  Ramu: "HIJKLMNO"!!  Teacher: What are you talking about?  Ramu: Yesterday you said its H to O!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.  One boy throws his bag out the window.  Teacher: who just threw that?!  Boy: Me! I’m going home now.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Teacher: Where is your homework? 
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

School Jokes 3

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.   The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”  The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!”  The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?”  The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.”  The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”  The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”  The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”  To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Teacher: What makes you see?  Bobyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears.  Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose?  Bobyjack: Its to hold my glasses!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?  Ramu: "HIJKLMNO"!!  Teacher: What are you talking about?  Ramu: Yesterday you said its H to O!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.  One boy throws his bag out the window.  Teacher: who just threw that?!  Boy: Me! I’m going home now.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Teacher: Where is your homework? 
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

School Jokes 2

What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?   The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says ‘chew chew chew’.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."  The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.   He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.   Every hand went up.  The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Maths teacher: "If you have 12 chocolates and you give  5 to Priya,  3 to Sonia and  2 to Penny then what will you get?"  "3 new Girlfriends!"
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

A teacher asked a student to write 55.  Student asked: How?  Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!  The student wrote 5 and stopped.  Teacher: What are you waiting for?  Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother,   “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.   “The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible!   I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”  The little girl replied, “My homework.”
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

PSJokes on Facebook

Dave was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Adam, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," Dave replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Adam said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah, sure," Dave answered. "But not everybody gets theirs pregnant!" ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years." ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there,' as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull! With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs! 'Your badge. Show him your BADGE!' ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ Like this page please #PRMPSmartJokes

Yo Mama Jokes 3

Yo mama is so fat a bus hit her and she said a mosquito.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Yo momma's so ugly she makes the blind go crippled!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Yo mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals ."
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Yo mamma so hairy she has afros on her nipples.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Your mama so ugly, when she went to a stripping club, they paid her to keep her clothes on.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Yo Mama Jokes 2

Yo momma’s so fat, her belt size is the equator.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Yo Momma so dumb, she tried to steal a free sample!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Yo mama so stupid she tryed to drown a fish
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Yo Mama is so nasty, her farts are classified as biological weapons.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Yo mamma so fat not even Dora can explore her.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

PSJokes on Facebook

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."😂😂 ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ 4-year-old boy was asked to give the meal blessing before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the green beans, won't he know that I'm lying?"😂😂 ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ At a party, someone yelled: All married guys please stand next to one person who has made your life worth living. The bartender was almost crushed to death.😂😂 ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50 HANDJOB: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."😂😂 ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ Click and Like the page ▶️ #PRMPSmartJokes

Little Johnny Jokes 3

Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.   'I've lost five cents,' sobbed Johnny.   'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.   Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.   'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.   'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten cents!'
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Grandma's House

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away. Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer, his mother reminded him. I don't have to. the little boy replied. Of course you do. his mother insisted. We say a prayer before eating at our house. That's at our house, Johnny explained, but this is Grandmas house and she knows how to cook.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

He Says He's Too Smart For 2nd Grade, So His Teacher Puts Him To The Test

A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was, and he replied, "I'm too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too."

The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to him.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question, he would go back to the second grade and be quiet.

The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9."

Principal: "6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36."

So, it went on like this. The principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher, "I see no reason why Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agreed.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"

Johnny: "Legs."

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasped, but before he could stop him from answering, Johnny answered.

Johnny: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants."

Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"

Johnny: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a big sigh of relief and said: "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself."
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.  The little girl looked down and said, "Whats that?"  "That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.  The little boy looked down and said, "Whats that?"  "That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.  A few seconds later the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"  "Sure," said the little boy.  The little boys mother was down stairs and heard this blood curdling scream.   She ran upstairs.   Once she got there she saw blood all over the bathtub.  "What happened?!" she said.  "Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Answer me this Jokes 2

Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter "m."
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A chalkboard
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?  A: He wanted to be a cool cat.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Q: How did a blind man meet his wife?A: On a blind date!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

PSJokes on Facebook

A policemen arrested a prostitute Gal: I'm a saleswoman not prostitute. Police: What are you selling. Gal:I"m selling condoms & offering a FREE DEMO👍 ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."😂😂 ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ Three monks decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side. When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear out to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water. Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched. After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"😂😂 ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. a constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."😁 ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ Click and Like the page ▶️ #PRMPSmartJokes Share and make more people happy... 👍 🚮Visit for more Jokes ⏩ prmpsmartjokes.blogspot.com

Husband and Wife Jokes 3

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.   "Whatll you have?" he asked.   "Oh, I dont know.   The same as you I suppose," she replied.   So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one shot.   His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.   "Yuck, thats TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.   "I dont know how you can drink this stuff!"   "Well, there you go," cried the husband.   "And you think Im out enjoying myself every night!"
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Wife is busy packing her clothes.

Man: And where are you going?

Wife: I'm moving to my mother.

Husband also starts packing.

Wife: And where do you think your going?

Husband: I'm also moving to my mother.

Wife: And what about the kids?

Husband: Well if you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother then I guess they must also move to their mother....
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ???I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.??? After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ???Who was that????

???It was Bob the next door neighbor,??? she replies.

???Great,??? the husband says, ???did he say anything about the $800 he owes me????

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson #2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ???Father, remember Psalm 129????

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ???Father, remember Psalm 129????

The priest apologized, ???Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.???

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ???Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.???

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson #3:

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ???I'll give each of you just one wish.???

???Me first! Me first!??? says the administration clerk. ???I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. ???Puff!??? She's gone.

???Me next! Me next!??? says the sales representative. ???I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. ???Puff!??? He's gone.

???OK, you're up,??? the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ???I want those two back in the office after lunch.???

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson #4:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ???I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree??? sighed the turkey, ???but I haven't got the energy.???

???Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings???? replied the bull. ???They're packed with nutrients.???

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson #5:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best? She answers: My husband's cheque book.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Husband and Wife Jokes 2

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.  On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun.   "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains.   "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."  The man is horrified, "You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"  "Well," says the proctor, "youre definitely not the right man for this job then."  The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun.   "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains.   "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."  The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room.   After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes.   "I wanted to do it I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job."  Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."  The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, shes fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing.   Suddenly, all goes quiet.  The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Moral of the story:
Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat... 
Husband: How does it help 
Wife: I use your toothbrush!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

PSJokes on Facebook

Why is Facebook like Jail? "You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you dont really know!" 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 If you need Facebook to remind you its your wifes birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Google+ is the gym of social networking. We all join, but nobody actually uses it. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Status I didnt fall down, I attacked the floor. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 You're like a light switch, even a little kid can turn you on. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around? 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege! 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 Click and Like the page ▶️ #PRMPSmartJokes