Dirty Jokes 10

This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in highschool, unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,"lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.

Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face."
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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!"

This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds." 
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The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"

The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
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How to impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her. How to impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer.
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A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and   says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very  nice but, are... my... test... results... back?
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Dirty Jokes 9

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
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A total naked woman rushed in a taxi.   The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly.   The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, havent you ever seen a naked woman?"   The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."
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Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: "Jack, what happened to you?!?" "It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"

"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"

"Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in..."
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If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why dont vampires suck cock?  Oh wait... Twilight
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.   She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause were going down the tracks."   The mother went nuts and told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."   Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."   She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."   As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
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Dirty Jokes 7

Daughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever.  Me: Whats that hunny?  Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk.  Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, Ill break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?
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Their was a camel and elephant, the elephant said to the camel.  "How come you have your t*ts on your back?" and the camel got offended so he told the elephant.  "Well why do you have your d*ck on your face?"
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In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
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Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?"  Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"
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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.   She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.  Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.  At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."  Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
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Dirty Jokes 7

Daughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever.  Me: Whats that hunny?  Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk.  Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, Ill break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?
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Their was a camel and elephant, the elephant said to the camel.  "How come you have your t*ts on your back?" and the camel got offended so he told the elephant.  "Well why do you have your d*ck on your face?"
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In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
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Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?"  Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"
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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.   She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.  Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.  At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."  Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
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Dirty Jokes 6

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?  Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.  Guy: Do they swell?  Girl: No. They spread.
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Whos the biggest prostitute in history? ¨  Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
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While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.   Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head.   The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.  His daughter comes in with her date.   The man explains the situation, and the daughters date says, "I can get the peanut out."  He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the fathers nose, and tells him to blow hard.   The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.  After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isnt he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."  The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, Id say our son-in-law."
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Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
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Dirty Jokes 5

What did the Left Nut say to the right nut?  Dont talk to the guy in the middle hes a d*ck!...
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Two eggs boiling in a pan.  One says, "Ive got a huge crack."  The other replies, "Stop teasing me, Im not f*cking hard yet."
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Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.   He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig Ive been f*cking."   His wife says, "Thats a duck."   He quickly replies, "I wasnt talking to you."...
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Dirty Jokes 4

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. Jack got a shock, with a mouth full of cock, to find out Jill's real name was Randy.
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"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
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There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
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Dirty Jokes 3

Girl: Babe I just gotta a tattoo of a sea shell on my thigh can you hear the ocean?  *Pulls his head to her thigh*   Guy: Nope, But I sure can smell the fish.
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A little boy and girl are sitting in a bathtub together. The girl looks down and asks, "Can I touch it?" The boy replies, "No, you already broke yours off!"
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Andy and Annie are watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.   The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”  Annie has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.  Meanwhile, Andy approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.  With a frown Annie says, “Andy, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”
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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.  Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.  When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"  His father thinking quickly said, "Son, thats so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."  "Gee Dad thats great," said little Billy.  A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"   "What do you mean?" said Dad.  "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus Im coming, Im coming" If it hadnt of been for Uncle George holding her down wed have lost her for sure!"
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Dirty Jokes 2

A man goes into a library and asks where he can find books on suicide.   ‘First row on the left,’ replied the librarian.   The man replies, ‘But I’ve already looked in that section.   It’s empty.’  ‘I’m not surprised,’ says the librarian.   ‘They don’t often bring them back.
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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.   The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."  The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace."  The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence."  The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.   The first three women give her this subtle "Well…?"  She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, Oh my God…"
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Girls are like biscuits - they are tough until they get wet.
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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesnt pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"  He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, youre going to shit when I tell you the price."
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.   He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.  She says, "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"  "I dont care, open it now!" he replies.  So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.  The guy says, "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" she looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples?"   "DO IT!"  So the nurse sucks it back.  "That one there, drink that one as well," so the nurse drinks that one as well.  Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey its not that hard."
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Dirty Jokes 1

Two boys go into a forest and walk around.   Suddenly they see a naked women, then one of the boys run away.   The other chases after him. The boy asked "Why did u run away?"   The other said "My mom told me if i saw a naked women id turn to stone, i already felt something getting getting hard."
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A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, "Where have you been?"   The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."   Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, "Where have you been?"   The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."   Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, "Where have you been?   Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill." and the girl says, "No, I am blueberry hill."
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The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
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Whats the second thing thats hard in the morning? waking up!
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