Relationships Jokes 12

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."+------------------------------------------------------------------------ On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice." The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times."
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What two things in the air will get a women pregnant?
Ans: Her legs.
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Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom. Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer."Sister," he asked, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl)"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?""I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"
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Recipe for Banana Bread Ingredients:

2 Laughing Eyes, 2 Loving Arms, 2 Well Shaped Legs, 2 Firm Milk Containers, 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl, 2 Large Nuts, 1 Large Banana

Method:
1. Look into Loving Eyes.
2. Fold in Loving Arms.
3. Spread Well Shaped Legs.
4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.
Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl.

N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
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A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you? " The farmer said,"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's . "The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds? " The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres. " The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case? " The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere. "The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge? " The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere. " The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit? " The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays. " The exasperated attorney said, " Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything? "The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30. "Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "Why DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE? " And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her. "
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Answer me this Jokes 8

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?  A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
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Q: What do you say to a dog before he eats? - A: Bone appetite!
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Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?   A: An Investigator
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Q: Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she'll let it go!
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Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?  A: They have two left feet.
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School Jokes 9

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.   She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.  Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things.   What am I?”   A little boy on the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”
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A gentleman wanders around the campus of a school looking for the library.   He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?”   The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!”  The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, “I beg your pardon.   Please allow me to rephrase my question.   Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, idiot?”
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One day a college professor after getting irritated in his college class stands up in front of the class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and if there is one then he/she should stand up.   After a minute a young man stands up.   The professor then asks that guy if he actually thinks he is an idiot.   The boy replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
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Father: Son this time, you have to score 90% marks in your exams.  Son: No father Ill score 100% marks.  Father: Why are you kidding?  Son: Who started?
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Teacher: “You know you can’t sleep in my class.”  Boy: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”
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Little Johnny Jokes 8

A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "dont look at naked women or youll turn to stone."  Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women.  But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked.   Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman.   his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran.  Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when i saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers
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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.   Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.  One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Dont you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickels bigger?"  Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, theyd stop doing it, and so far Ive made $20!"
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
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One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".  His teacher replies "NO"  Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".  "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.  Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".  She again says "NO".  "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.  "Well I suppose its OK" replies the teacher.  Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THATS NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"  Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
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The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I aint had no fun in months."   Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"  Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
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Relationships Jokes 11

A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."
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A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious,I named them for you."The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation,"Well what did you name them?"The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!What did you come up with for my son?"The brother replied, "Denephew."
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Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: Up! Quick! My husband is back! Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: Damn, I am the husband!
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Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married! There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
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