Husband and Wife Jokes 1

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.  He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.  One night they went to a party.   He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"  His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime youre ready, Father of Four!"
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Doctor:Madam, your husband needs rest and pease so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor:They are for you.!!
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Everything I Need

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55

mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at

him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,

but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60

mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of

it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend,

and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his

anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up,

and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's

up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the

credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward

a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything

you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,

"I've got the airbag!"
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A wife to her husband:  "Honey, what are you doing?"  "I'm reading our marriage certificate."  "What for?"  "I'm looking for the expiry date..."
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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there. " A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. " Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man. "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork. " The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man. " Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you. " The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here? "
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