Popular Jokes 18

My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” So I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.” I took off her shoes. “Now take off my bra and panties.” So I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”
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It's Not Working

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my Mum's place."I opened the fridge. The light came on. My orange juice was very cold. What the hell is she talking about?
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Endless Chain

Boss says to secretary, "We are travelling abroad for the week, so make arrangements."Secretary makes a call to her husband, "My boss and I will be travelling abroad for the week, so look after kids."Husband makes call to secret lover, "My wife is going abroad for the week, so let's spend the week together."Secret lover makes a call to a little boy whom she is giving private lessons, "I'm going to be busy throughout the week, so you need not come for classes."Little boy makes call to his grandfather, "Grandpa, I don't have classes for the week, because my teacher is going to be busy. Let's spend the week together."Grandpa makes a call to his Secretary, "I'm afraid we won't be travelling again. My grandson and I are going to spend the week together."Secretary makes a call to her husband, "My boss has some personal matters to attend to, so our trip is cancelled."Husband makes a call to secret lover, "We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip."Secret lover makes a call to little boy, "We will still have classes as usual this week."Little boy makes a call to his grandfather, "Grandpa! I'm sorry we won't be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes."Grandpa makes a call to his secretary, "Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements."How will the chain be broken?
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The phone call

a couple agreed that whenever they wanted to have s#x they'd say "let's make a phone call"one day the man sent his son to tell his mom while she was busy in the kitchen. Son: mom, daddy said you should come so he can make a phone call. Mom: go and tell your daddy that the network is busy. Dad: then tell her that i will go elsewhere to make the call. Mom : tell you daddy that if he does that, i will open a call center here!
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Two Tigers were resting under a tree..
Suddenly a RABBIT passed very fast
Tiger could not make out & asked
“What was that?” 2nd Tiger smiled and said:
.
.
.
.
Fast Food..xP :P
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Popular Jokes 17

Cheating Boyfriend

BOYFRIEND: I cheated.                 GIRLFRIEND: Damn you! I hate you and let me tell you too that I cheated on you with your best friend. I even slept with your brother!                BOYFRIEND: What?!                      GIRLFRIEND: Yea, you heard me right.              BOYFRIEND: I meant on my test you bitch!!!GIRLFRIEND: Oh!
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Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

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Saw an ad in the newspaper : Need Accountant, 15000Rs – 20000Rs.
So I called and told them the answer is -5000Rs…
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Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!"
Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works."
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A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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Popular Jokes 16

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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The Interview

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of rsums he found four people who were equally qualified. An American, an Indian, a European and a Nigerian. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked:"What is the fastest thing you know of?"The American on his right replied, " A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of" "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" He asked the Indian. "Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clinch for speed."He then turned to the European who was contemplating his reply. "Well, on my dad's farm, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the field, the light in the barn comes on in less than a second. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," He said. Turning to the Nigerian, the interviewer posed the same question. He replied, "It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "I can explain." Said the man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran to the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already poohed in my pants!"HE GOT THE JOB!
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Painful Moments II

Which one is the most painful?

1. Studying for 7 years in a University, then stay home for 10 years unemployed!2. Raise a child for 20 years, then find out he/she is not yours!
3. Work hard for the whole month, then go to the ATM and get robbed!
4. Going to school for 11months, then get your report written failed...
5. Being faithful to the person you call your Soulmate, then in return, you get AIDS!
6. Study for the whole night for a test, then fail the test.
7. Being in a very good relationship with someone and then end up marrying someone else.
8. You're downloading a video of 5gb and when it reaches 98% your phone dies!
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Two girls were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says,?Why are you arguing?? One girl answers, ?We found a ten dollar and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.? ?You should be ashamed of yourselves,? said the teacher,?When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was.? The girls gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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Alphabetical Order

A pilot announced, "Ladies & Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggages must be thrown out."A little later, the pilot says, "We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin."The plane continues it's descent despite more things being thrown out. The pilot announced again, "Still going down, we must throw out some people"There's a big gasp from the passengers! Then the pilot said, "But to make this fair, passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order. So A, any Africans on board?" No one moves."B, any Blacks on board?" No one moves."C, any Coloureds on board?" Still no one moves."D, any Darkies?"A little black Nigerian boy asks his dad, "Dad, what are we?"His Dad replied, "Tonight son, we are Zombies"
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Popular Jokes 15

Mathematics Burial

Chemistry and his brother Physics, with deep sorrow, announce the death of their father, Mathematics,n who died in a serious calculation on blackboard road, off chalk avenue.Agriculture has promised to provide land for the burial while Woodwork and Fine Art will make and decorate the coffin respectively. Entrepreneurship and his wife Commerce have pledged to provide food and transport for the mourners.CRK will pray for the soul of the departed. History and her friend Geography will narrate the life story of the late Mr Mathematics to the mourners.English will be the master of ceremony and Biology will tell the mourners the disease that killed the late Mr Mathematics."I must sue his dead body for the money he borrowed from me." says Account.
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Mathematical Love letter

I discovered a letter written by one of the maths students to a girl at a secondary school. Here is what the guy wrote...Dear Cynthia,With reference to the syllabus of my feelings, I want to prove that the locus of my point is directly proportional to your heart. On seeing you, I feel like a triangle with only 2 angles, the third one being you. At times I feel like a circle without a circumference and a tangent without a gradient. We are like two simultaneous equations without solutions. You never seem to notice that I am a point lying at your linear equation. Your smile make my mind rotate 360 degrees anticlockwise and applying a translation, I finally get your image. You are factors of a quadratic equation but still feel two disjoint sets. You are the hypotenuse of my right angled triangle and on using either sine or cosine, we can obtain a real solution. I tried to deal with you on a calculator version but the probability of success is very low. My letter consists of only one section to be answered without a calculator and the answer is to be given "Yes" in three significant figures. My life without you is like coordinates of a quadratic turning point. My love for you is infinite like the graph of Tan 90 and Tan 270 degrees. Your MathematicalXxxx
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Weather Man

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
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Two Thieves

The President and his wife, visited a catholic church in Abuja. In honour of their visitation, the church decided to keep  blown up pictures of both of them beside the Crucifix (Jesus on the Cross), one on each side. On getting to church, the President's wife saw the pictures on the altar and she got annoyed, the President noticed and asked, "Patience, what is the matter?"She answered, "Can't you see our pictures on the altar beside Jesus?, It signifies Jesus Christ and the Two THIEVES!"
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Clash Of The Teachers

Two teachers were arguing in the class and the students were watching. Others teachers were trooping in one after the other to join in the feisty argument ENGLISH TEACHER: What a pugnacious and combatant fight! Teachers manoeuvring themselves in the presence of their pupils.
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Stop this now or Ill balance your equation with acid and base.
MATHS TEACHER: Please! Please!... Stop, before I divide and subtract your names from our teachers list.
CRK TEACHER: Oh God of Nazareth, forgive them cause they do not know what they are doing.
ECONOMICS TEACHER: What a human behaviour, Ill draw a scale of preference to know who's at fault. MUSIC TEACHER: Stop both of you lack voices to win an argument, your phonetic is voiceless, your treble and your auto lack vocal sound.
HISTORY TEACHER: Ill compare this fight with that of fight between the Greeks and the Persians in 245 AD. BIOLOGY TEACHER: What a shame between these two species of Homo sapiens. The knot of your Medula Oblongata is loosing. I must get a Spanner to stop this Osmosis.
Comment below on which Teacher nailed it.
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Popular Jokes 14

There where three nuns who never did anything wrong. One day the high priest came to them and told them that in order to become better nuns they had to do something bad and then drink from the holy water. So the three nuns went out that same day and did something wrong. The first nun came and the high priest asked her what she did wrong. " I took a lollipop from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water. Then the second one came back and the high priest asked her what she did wrong, she said " I took a balloon from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water. Then came the third. "What did you do wrong?" asked the high priest. " Well", she said," I peed in the holy water."
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A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"
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Successful Room Tips

In bed, I was asking myself; "What are some of the Secrets to Success in Life?" I found the answer right there in my very room. The Roof said, "Aim High." The Fan said, "Be Cool"The Window said, "Expand your Vision." The Clock said, "Every minute is Precious"The Mirror said, "Reflect before you Act." The Calendar said, "Be up to Date." The Door said, "Push hard for your Goals." The Floor said, "Always be down to earth."The Toilet said, "Flush the Bad Habits that will Deter you." The Wall said, "Share other's load." The Wallet said, "Save now for future."Then I looked at the bed and it said, "Cover yourself with blanket and go off to sleep!"
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The Most Important Question

Please, I need to ask you a very important question that has kept me sleepless and restless. It might be awkward between us after this, but I have to know how you feel. I have kept it in mind for a while now but I think it's finally the time I straighten up and confront you with this all important question.I just hope this doesn't ruin our friendship. I need to know, I don't know any other way I could get over this. It just doesn't seem fair on me if I don't get an answer. I want you to tell me truthfully no matter how harsh it is! All I need is your honest answer. PLEASE, HOW MUCH IS THE PRICE OF FUFU IN YOUR AREA?
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Very Costly Mistake

A man got this message from his neighbour; "Sir, I am so sorry but I have this confession to make. I have been sharing your wife with you behind your back day and night and mostly when you are not in town. I have used your wife in my kitchen, bedroom, parlour and also in your own apartment and at times right under your nose. I have to also admit that I have used your wife more than you do. I feel I should let you know cause I feel so guilty. I promise never to do it again".The man was so mad that he shot his wife dead! Few minutes later he received another message from the same neighbour stating;  "So sorry for the spelling mistake. I meant to write WIFI and not WIFE!"If you were the husband, what will you do?
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Popular Jokes 13

May our friendship turn in2 silver, silver in2 Gold, gold in2 Dimonds…… and may our dimonds b 4ever. Then we sell it OK. 50/50.
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There is a little white boy with an all white family playing outside in the mud.
He rolls around and realizes he is covered in mud.He goes inside and tells his mom "Look mom I'm black." She says come here. He went and she whooped him.
She said go tell your dad what you did.
He went to his dad and said "Look dad i'm black." He said come here and he started to whoop him. Go to your grandma and tell her what you did. The grandma did the same thing. He went back to his mom and she asked "What have you learned today?" The boy said "I've been black for five minutes and I already hate you white basterds!!!"
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A Girl's Argument

What's the difference between a knife and a girl's argument?                A knife has a point.
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Types of Salaries

These are the names of different salaries...

1. Onion Salary – You grab it, you open it, and you cry.

2. Storm Salary – You don’t know when it’s coming or going.

3. Menstrual Salary – It comes once a month and lasts only four days.

4. Magic Salary – You touch it and it disappears.

5. Amnesia Salary – You can’t remember what you spent it on.

6. Time Traveling Salary – You spend it paying various debts even before you collect it.

Which one have you ever experienced?
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whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there’s an idiot pulling a door that says “PUSH”
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The saddest story

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott,

"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
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Mistaken Identity

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael, Mark was the owner of a old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank.A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
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Hillary With St. Peter

Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one second.

St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.

Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

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Suicide Bombing School

Imagine a school where suicide bombing Is being taught, the teachers would say to the students..."Please, pay attention, I'm only going to do this once!"
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Popular Jokes 12

First On The Sun

USA: My country had the first man on the moon  JAPAN: My country will have the first man on mars. SOUTH AFRICA: We will be the first on the sun JAPAN: But you will die SOUTH AFRICA : No worries, we will go in the night
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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
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Height of Insult

Guide: I welcome you all to Niagra falls. This is the world’s largest waterfall & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can’t be heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls…….
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A Mistake

A 8 year old boy entered his dad's room to talk to his dad who was reading a newspaper, the following discussion went on:  BOY: Dad what is a mistake? DAD: Son, a mistake is something that is not done deliberately by a person and very sorry about it, he's meant to be forgiven.  BOY: Well in that case dad, I mistakenly sold the house and the cars and I'm very sorry about it.
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Do Not Urinate Here!

A signboard which reads "DO NOT URINATE HERE. OFFENDERS WILL BE FINED 500 NAIRA" was by a road side. A man was caught urinating at the exact spot by a police officer and their conversation goes thus:POLICE: Why are you urinating here? Didn't you read the signboard?MAN: I'm sorry.POLICE: You'll have to pay a fine of 500 nairaThe man gave the police officer 1000 naira and demanded for his change:POLICE: You'll have to urinate one more time because I have no change.
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A Bad Accident

A journalist was standing by the roadside. Suddenly, he heard a car screech and saw a huge crowd gather at the other end of the road.He got to the scene of the accident 5 minutes later and saw a mammoth crowd in an apparent circle. "The person down there must have been hit by a car." He thought to himself.He decides to investigate further and tries to force his way through the crowd but was unsuccessful. His journalistic skills kicked into gear and he shouted, "PLEASE! MAKE WAY! I AM THE SON OF THE VICTIM." The crowd suddenly made way. He got to the centre of the crowd's attention and found out that the "victim" lying on the ground was a DOG.
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Daily Stupid Questions

Someone calls you at 2am and asks, "Are you sleeping?"Response: "No! I'm picking beans."When its raining and someone notices you going out yet they ask, "Are you going out in this rain?"Response: "No! In the next one."You are making out with your girlfriend then you start pulling her panties then she asks, "What are you trying to do?"Response: "I want to wash it for you."They see you coming out of the bathroom wet, yet they ask, "Did you just have a bath?"Response: "No, I fell into the toilet bowl."You're standing in front of the elevator on the ground floor going to your office, yet they ask, "Are you going up?"Response: "No, I'm waiting for my Office to come down and get me."Your boyfriend comes home with a bunch of flowers, and you still ask, "Are those flowers?"Response: "No baby, they're condoms!"You are in a queue at the cinema to buy ticket, a friend see's you and asks, "What are you doing here?"Response: "I'm here to pay my school fees."You are relieving yourself in the toilet and someone knocks the door and tries to open it. Its obviously locked. And then the person asks, Is anybody in there? Response: No. The shit locked the door and is talking to you.You stumble and fall into a gutter and your leg is bent at an awkward angle. People gather and ask, Are you okay? Response: "No. I'm just hanging out my leg, waiting for it to dry.
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The Pope Driving?

The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."But the Pope persists, "Please?"The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.COP: Chief, I have a problem.CHIEF: What sort of problem?COP: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.CHIEF: Important like the mayor?COP: No, no, much more important than that.CHIEF: Important like the governor?COP: Way more important than that.CHIEF: Like the president?COP: Much more important.CHIEF: Who's more important than the president?COP: I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!
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Oxymoron

English is a funny Language. One fascinating word of English Language is Oxymoron: An Oxymoron is defined as a phrase in which two words of opposite meanings are brought together. Here are some area scatter oxymorons...1) Independently dependent. 2) Clearly Misunderstood. 3) Exact Estimate. 4) Small Crowd. 5) Act Naturally. 6) Found Missing. 7) Fully Empty. 8) Pretty Ugly. 9) Seriously Funny. 10) Only Choice. 11) Original Copies. 12) Open Secret. 13) Tragic Comedy. 14) Foolish Wisdom. 15) Liquid Gas. 16) Stupidly Intelligent. 17) Richly Poor. 18) Naturally Homemade. 19) Impatiently Waiting. 20) Living Dead. 21) Beautifully Ugly. 22) Educated Illiterate. And The Mother of all...HAPPILY MARRIED  You can add More Below...
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My Father's The Best

Three boys were bragging about their fathers. The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"

The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"

The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"
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Popular Jokes 11

I wasn't drunk

FRIEND: You were so drunk last night...ME: No I wasn't!FRIEND: You called a taxi to take you home.ME: Yes so I will not be involved in an accident.FRIEND: [SMH] The party was at your house!
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An elderly couple is sitting in church. The woman says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" The man turns to her and says, "Well, you can start by changing the battery in your hearing aid."
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An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out...

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the Indian comes to Walmart with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out...!!!

He shouts at the Indian, What the hell...!!! This is shit, you Idiot...!!!???

The Indian calmly replies, Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper...???
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Marry Him!

A man was about dying. In his last request, he pleaded with his wife to marry Joe.

WIFE: Joe? Isn't he your worst enemy? The very one who wants you dead?

HUSBAND: Yes. Marry him!

WIFE: No, I wont!

HUSBAND: Please do!

WIFE: Why?

HUSBAND: Because all these years I have suffered, let him suffer too!
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Stupid Students

TEACHER: Who is the President of Nigeria?CHILDREN: (They all chorused) Lamido Sanusi!TEACHER: Correct! Who is the Minister of Defence?CHILDREN: Asari Dokubo!TEACHER: Good! What is the capital city of Nigeria?CHILDREN: Enugu!TEACHER: Very good! Who composed the National Anthem?CHILDREN: D-Banj!TEACHER: Excellent. What do you call people from Moscow?CHILDREN: Mosquitoes!TEACHER: Perfect! How much is 2 + 5?CHILDREN: 25!TEACHER: That's great! You're going to be stupid like this until your government increases my salary!
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Fruits Game

APPLE: I look like a Human heart. MANGO: I look like a Stomach. GRAPES: I look like Eyes.. BANANA: I don't like this Game!
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Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
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I should have

WIFE: I should have married the devil. Even he would make a better husband than you.HUSBAND: But honey, marriage between relatives is illegal.
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7 So True Fact About Women

Believe It 1. Most important thing for
WOMEN is FINANCIAL SECURITY ! 2. Although this is important,
They still go out & buy
expensive clothes ! 3. Although they always buy
expensive clothes , they never
have anything to wear ! 4. Although they never have
nothing to wear they always
dress beautifully ! 5. Although they always dress
beautifully , they are never
satisfied ! 6. Although they are never
satisfied, they always expect men
to compliment them ! 7. Although they expect men to
compliment them, when they do
they don’t believe them … =P =D
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Coloured People

A white man said, "colored people are not allowed here." The black man responded "Listen sir, when I was born I was BLACK when I grew up I was BLACK, when I'm sick I'm BLACK, when I go in the sun I'm BLACK, when I'm cold I'm BLACK, when I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir. When you are born you're PINK When you grow up you're WHITE, when you're sick, you'reGREEN, when you go in the sun you turn RED, when you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerves to call me colored?!!!"
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Popular Jokes 10

A Picture Can Describe
Thousand Words ….!
But
With The Help 0f
Photo-shop
…It Can Tell Thousand Lies… ! =P =D
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Valentine died for love,
Romeo also died for love,
Jack in Titanic died for love,
Samson in the Bible died for love,
Greek heroes Hercules and Achilles died 4 love.
Even Jesus Christ died for love!
Where are the women?

Don't buy any woman a Valentine's treat/ Gift/ Diamond ring this year until she gives you atleast 5 names of women who died for love...
Because no woman would die for love...

Wake up guys... Jaago Boyfriends jaago.
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What happens when a lion roars thrice?
-
-
-
-
-
Think
-
-
-
-
-
Any guess?
-
-
-
-
-
Ok, I will tell you..
-
-
-
-
-
Tom & Jerry cartoon begins!
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Best Goalkeepers

Women are the best goalkeepers in the world because no matter what you do, the BALLS never go in.
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If Your Teacher Puts
2x + 5×2 / -8 + 21
0n The Board
And
Tells You To
“Solve The Problem” Get Up n Erase The Board
Problem Solved … :p=D
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Get Out Of The Car

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.
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Don't Make A Woman Cry

Dont make a woman cry! There is nothing as expensive as a womans tears. When a single drop of tear comes out, it first mixes with Loreal Eye Liner; 7,500 Naira and Revlon Mascara; 8,500 Naira, then when it rolls down the cheek, it mixes with Estee Lauder Foundation; 11,000 Naira, Zaron Blush; 15,000 Naira and Mac Powder; 19,000 Naira. Then, finally, when it touches the lips, it gets mixed with Maybelline Lipstick; 12,000 Naira and Avonlip Gloss; 5,000 Naira. A single drop of a womans tear is running for about 78,000 Naira, so please, don't make her cry. But you can make a man cry, it is only Vaseline; 150 Naira and Powder; 200 Naira. Total for men; 350 Naira.
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Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
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Wicked Ladies

Ladies are wicked. They will lay on your chest and ask, "Honey have you ever cheated on me?" ...then wait for your heart to beat fast.
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Sometimes you might catch me staring at you. It's not because you are cute but bcoz my mom told me that devils have tails and I'm just wondering where's yours?  
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Popular Jokes 9

English Questions

Who said that english is easy... fill in this blank with YES or NO...__________ I don't have a brain.__________ I don't have a sense__________ I am stupid
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I went to the psychiatrist, and he says You're crazy.  I tell him I want a second opinion.  He says, Okay, you're ugly too!
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All flowers cannot represent the love but Rose did it All animals cannot speak but parrot did it and all monkeys cannot read sms but…. my friend you did it
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Love Letter Using Subjects

I am bad in ENGLISH but I can tell you that I LOVE YOU.I am bad in GEOGRAPHY but I can tell you that you LIVE in my HEART.I am bad in HISTORY but I can REMEMBER the FIRST TIME I saw you.I am bad in CHEMISTRY but I can tell you my REACTION when you SMILE.I am bad in PHYSICS but I can tell the INTENSITY the SPARKS of my EYES give, when they SEE you.I am bad in every SUBJECT but I can TELL ALL.I will PASS all SUBJECTS if the TOPIC is YOU!
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Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
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Ppl Say
A Kiss Is On HEAD A Sweet Kiss On CHEEKS A Passionate Kiss On LIPS A Romantic Kiss On NECK But Seriously HOTEST Kiss Is On Iron
Try It ;->
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I thin k I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
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At a party, the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers.

Then her husband got an idea. He turned to the crowd of the guests and said, Will everyone from the bride's side of the family stand up please? About 20 people stood.

Then he asked, Will everyone from the groom's side of the family stand up please?

About 25 people stood up.

Then he smiled and said, Will everyone who stood please LEAVE... This is a 'Birthday Party'!!!
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In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
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Popular Jokes 8

Crazy Nonsense

You got a babe's number and you used "chick" to store her name. Is her Mum a fowl?You bought suya for your woman, she ate everything while you just ate the onions. Are you a vegetarian?You are with your guy but  you are on your phone talking to different guys every five minutes, yet you claim you are not cheating on your guy. My sister, are you an MTN customer care agent?You ask a girl for what she wants, she tells you money and you are angry. Were you expecting her to say wisdom and understanding?You took your girlfriend to the club everyday, then you married her and you want her to stop going to the club. Were you expecting a miracle?  Your girlfriend dumps you for a rich man and you call her a GOLD DIGGER. but your sister did the same to another guy, yet you gave a testimony in Church saying, "Its the grace of God." You are an Hypocrite!Your babe got F9 parallel in WAEC, and she still asking you for Brazilian Hair of #150.000. Where does she want to fix the hair on?You have 8 tribal marks, stretch marks is scattered all ova your body yet you still want a tattoo. Are you a zebra?You are 6 feet tall, but you still wear 6 inches high heels shoe. Do you want to whisper to God?You are snapping in different type of cars, yet you expect your man to believe you are not cheating. Are you a mechanic?You gather different girls picture on your phone and yet you expect your girl to believe you are not cheating. Are you a digital photographer?He gave you an engagement ring for over five years, but he hasn't married you yet. My dear, are you the lord of the rings?You pay your babe's university school fees and yet you have not written JAMB. Are you part of the scholarshipboard?You are 18 years and your sugar daddy is 70 years old and you are calling him BABY. My sister, he should be your ANCESTOR!Your babe is licking ice cream and you're drinking pure water. Are you diabetic?You read all of this and yet you thumb it down? Are you Boko Haram?You can add other examples in the comment box below.
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Yesterday I thought about you all day.

I was at the Zoo.
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The Story of the Eye

Do you know the relationship between two eyes?They never see each other... BUT:1. They blink together2. They move together3. They cry together4. They see together5They sleep togetherThey share a very deep bonded relationship.However, when they see a pretty woman, one will blink and another will not.MORAL OF THE STORY: A pretty woman can break any relationship!
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Confessional Letters

TO MY DEAR WIFE,During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said you weren't in the mood7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do 3 times you said the neighbours would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear usOf the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TVOf the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.Who do you think is Right?
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Interviewer: There are 500
bricks on a plane. You drop one outside. How many are left? Applicant: That’s easy, 499 Interviewer: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge? Applicant: Open the fridge.
Put the elephant in.
Close the fridge. Interviewer: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge? Applicant: Open the fridge.
Take the elephant out.
Put the deer in.
Close the fridge. Interviewer: It’s lion’s birthday, all the animals are there except one, why? Applicant: Because the deer is in the fridge. Interviewer: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles? Applicant: She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion’s birthday. Interviewer: Last question. In the end the old lady still died.
Why? Applicant: Err….I guess she drowned? Interviewer: No! She was hit by the brick. You may leave now.
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No matter how high the sky is,
How deep the ocean is,
How strong the wind is,
How wide the river is,
I just want to tell YOU They’re none of YOUR BUSINESS!
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1999 Kids : I want my bed near Window
to see the moon&stars.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2013 Kids : I want my bed near the
mobile charging slot..
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From Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec,
From birth till my death,
my feelings 4 u have never changed.
For me, you’ve always been
……….a headache!
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Why girls live longer than boys???? ..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
Scientific studies have proved that ..
..
..
“SHOPPING”
never causes HEART ATTACKS, but, .
..
“PAYING the “BILLS” does
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Man 1 : I Got Married Bcoz I Was Tired Of Cooking, Cleaning Home n Washing Clothes Man 2: Amazing, I Got Divorce For The Same Reason… ;->
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Popular Jokes 7

Annual Physical

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back

with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and

do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's

fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom

(poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when

I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said,

"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in

awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night

and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes

off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator

again!"
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I'm Finished

The real meaning of I'm finished is when at night you lock the door to kill a snake and then electricity goes off...
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Blind Man's Sucker Punch

A husband and his wife were waiting at the bus stop with their 8 children. A blind man joins them a few minutes later. When the bus arrived, they found it to be overloaded and only the wife and kids were able to fit. The husband and the blind man decide to walk, the blind man's cane tapping the ground.After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick and says, Why don't you put a piece of RUBBER at the end of your STICK? The ticking sound is driving me crazy! The blind man replies, If you had put a RUBBER at the end of your STICK, we would be sitting in the bus right now.
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Chased by a Lion

TEACHER: If a lion is chasing you, what would you do?STUDENT: I'd jump over the wall.TEACHER: If the lion jumps over as well?STUDENT: I'd climb a tree.TEACHER: If the lion climbs the tree?STUDENT: I will jump into the lake and swim.TEACHER: If the lion also jumps into the water and swims after you?STUDENT: Sir, are you on my side or on the lion's?
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Whoever Says
‘Money Can’t Buy Happiness’
Is A Fool … Money Can Surely Buy Happiness … Give Me Some
And
Watch Me Smile… =P ;)
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Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said,
"Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

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Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
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Dress Code

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, a woman trained employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man, casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on the elevator with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded the man,

"Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company....".
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Medical Advice

Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old:1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.3. F***ing refreshes you.4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.5. Try f***ing in bed because it can save you valuable energy.6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.So remember, FASTING is good for your health and may God cleanse your dirty mind!
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What is a Verb

TEACHER: What is a Verb?

CHIKE: A Verb is a valve found in bicycle tyre.

TEACHER: What are you saying?

CHIKE: It is a complete sentence sir.

TEACHER: Are you mad?

CHIKE: It is a question sir.

TEACHER: Don't be stupid.

CHIKE: It is an advice sir.

TEACHER: Stop that nonsense.

CHIKE: It is a command sir.

TEACHER: You're an idiot.

CHIKE: It is an insult sir.

TEACHER: Get out of my class.

CHIKE: It is an order sir.

TEACHER: Oh! Goodness, What a boy!

CHIKE: It is an exclamation sir.

TEACHER: May God have mercy on you.

CHIKE: It is a prayer sir
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Popular Jokes 6

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

* Compliment her
* cuddle her
* kiss her
* caress her
* love her
* stroke her
* tease her
* comfort her
* protect her
* hug her
* hold her
* spend money on her
* wine & dine her
* buy things for her
* listen to her
* care for her
* stand by her
* support her
* go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

* Show up naked.
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Mirror Girl

The best way to kill a lady is to buy her a golden watch, expensive clothes, bangles, shoes, make ups and trousers then lock her up in a room without a mirror.
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Best Job Ever

I asked a friend of mine what he is doing. He told me, he is working on, "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed! On further asking, I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water... under his wife's supervision!
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National Lottery Draw

A pastor was praying for a demon-possessed man. He shouted, "In the name of Jesus, what do you want from this Man?! Speak! Before I cast you out into the lake of fire! The demon in the man said, "I want him to win the National Lottery Draw worth 200million naira tonight." The pastor subtly lowered the microphone and whispered, "Get out of him and enter into me."
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A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is ??50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
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Popular Jokes 5

When words are not enough….
To express your feelings….
Dont think you’re in LOVE….
You just need to join… ENGLISH
SPEAKING
COURSE
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Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the

first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher

insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit

my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a

choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great

pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
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Fact of our life:
Whenever we find the key 2 success,
Some idiots change the locks..
So,4get the key. Learn to BREAK da doors!
Keep rocking!! ;^>
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Definition for Human being: A creature that cuts trees ,makes papers and writes
“SAVE TREES”
on it..!!!
Funny people…..!!!!!!
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Popular Jokes 4

In the time of the prophet

An Arab Man stops a taxi, entered it and said "Please turn off the radio for in the time of the prophet, there was no radio and my religion decreed that I should not listen to it especially the western music.This is because they sing of their infidelity and all."The Taxi Driver turned off the radio, came down and opened the door for the man and said, "In the time of the prophets, there was no car. So please come down and wait for a camel."One word for the taxi Driver.
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Vib rator-in-Law

A woman passed her daughter's room and heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vib rator. Shocked, she asked why?

The daughter replied, "mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please, leave me alone."

Next day, the father heard the same buzz and upon entering, he also saw the same scene. To his query, the daughter again said, "dad I"m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room. On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vib rator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "what the f#*k are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."
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A policeman stops two drunks and asks one, Where do you live?  Nowhere, the first drunk replied.  And where do you live?, he asks the other.  We're neighbours.
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5 things American Movies Teach Us:

1. Chinese have nothing better to do than teaching or practice Kung Fu.

2. More than 50% of U.S. population are FBI/CIA agents, working undercover.

3. The purpose of school system of U.S. is to promote Basketball/Baseball.

4. Aliens have special interest in attacking the U.S.

5. U.S. is a place where you can meet all mythical creatures like werewolves & vampires.

5 things Indian Movies teach us:
1. At least one of the identical twins is born evil.

2. While defusing a bomb, don't worry, whichever wire you cut... you always choose the right one.

3. A hero will show no pain while getting beaten up; but will show pain when a girl cleans up his wounds.

4. A detective can solve a case only when he is suspended from duty.
The most hilarious one...

5. If you decide to start dancing on the street, everyone you meet will know the steps.
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Popular Jokes 3

Neigbour's Clothes

A man was arrested by the police after he stole his neighbour's clothes on the washing line.He claimed he was doing online shopping...
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Mandela Treatment

GIRL: Sweetie, I want you to treat me the same way South Africa treated the Late Nelson Mandela.BOY: Very good Idea, lets start with 27 years in Prison.
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A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

Later, he says, Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry.

She immediately replies, The one on the right.

That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Indian mother replies, I don't like her.
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Talking Twins

Twin babies in the womb saw "someone" familiar coming towards them. The first baby said, "Hey daddy iscoming inside to play with us." The second baby replied, "It's not daddy, but his friend. Daddy doesn't cover his face with a rubber mask when he wants to play with us. You will see, this one will not give us ice cream when he is leaving"
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5 ways for man to be happy with women

1. Be with a women who makes you laugh…

2. Be with a women who gives u her time…

3. Be with a women who takes care of you…

4. Be with a women who really loves you…

5. Finally, make sure these four women don’t know
each other!;)


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Don't Do It!

HUSBAND: (watching a video) Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes! No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
WIFE: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?
HUSBAND: Our wedding ceremony.
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Popular Jokes 2

Dear Samsung, If You Design A Phone For Human Why Don’t You Show Some Humanity While Pricing It …
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Made Of Money

A boy went to his mom to ask for money:SON: Mom, I need some money to buy a bicycle MOM: What do you think I am made of money?SON: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
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Dear Girls ! If a guy pauses a video game just to text you back . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Marry him ;-)
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Bihar school teacher's killer English:

1. Pick up the paper and fall in the dust-bin!

2. Both of you three, stand together separately!

3. Will you hang that calendar or I'll HANG MYSELF!

4. Tomorrow call your parents especially mother and father!

5. Why are you looking at the monkey outside when I am in the class...?

6. I have 2 daughters, both are girls.

7. Stand in the middle of the corner!
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Word Test

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is dumbass cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

Betcha can't resist passing it on ;)
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Popular Jokes 2

Dear Samsung, If You Design A Phone For Human Why Don’t You Show Some Humanity While Pricing It …
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Made Of Money

A boy went to his mom to ask for money:SON: Mom, I need some money to buy a bicycle MOM: What do you think I am made of money?SON: Isn't that what MOM stands for?
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Dear Girls ! If a guy pauses a video game just to text you back . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Marry him ;-)
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Bihar school teacher's killer English:

1. Pick up the paper and fall in the dust-bin!

2. Both of you three, stand together separately!

3. Will you hang that calendar or I'll HANG MYSELF!

4. Tomorrow call your parents especially mother and father!

5. Why are you looking at the monkey outside when I am in the class...?

6. I have 2 daughters, both are girls.

7. Stand in the middle of the corner!
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Word Test

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is dumbass cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

Betcha can't resist passing it on ;)
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Popular Jokes 1

You're Next

I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next." They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.
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Birthday Party II

I attended a birthday party with a gathering of about 30 people. I sat at the front seat. A lady started distributing food. She started from the back and unfortunately, it didn't get to us sitting at the front.Another lady started sharing the drinks, she started from the front but unfortunately I had already moved to sit at the back. Again the drink didn't get to me.I was so furious that I stood up to take my leave but then I saw three ladies each with a big bowl. This time, I tried to be wise by sitting at the middle. One of the ladies started the sharing from the front, the second lady started distributing from the back. The two ladies were sharing fried turkey.When they got to the middle where I was seated, it got finished again! Feeling so frustrated, I bent my head, putting my face in my hands... but then the third lady tapped me and stretched her bowl for me to pick. I stretched and put my hands inside the bowl... Guess what was in the bowl?Toothpicks.
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All Smiles

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on

their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to

his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,

spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.

Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."
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Boy to girl before exam: Hey all d best Girl: All da best to u too
.
But girl scored 80 marks & boy failed
. . .
Moral: Only boys wish with true heart.. ;-)
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Funny African Proverbs

When a man is stung by a bee, he does not destroy all beehives- Kenya ProverbIt is only a stupid cow that rejoices at the prospect of being taken to a beautiful abattoir - Zambian ProverbNo matter how far an eagle flies up the sky, it will definitely come down to look for food - Zimbabwe ProverbAn army of sheep led by a lion can defeat an army of lions led by a sheep. - Ghanaian proverbThe anus doesn't teach the mouth the sweetness of food - South-African ProverbThe man who marries a beautiful woman, and the farmer who grows corn by the roadside have the same problem- Ethiopian ProverbA short man is not a boy- Nigerian ProverbNo matter how hot your anger is, it cannot cook yams- Nigerian ProverbIt requires a lot of carefulness to kill the fly that perches on the scrotum- Ghanaian ProverbIf the throat can grant passage to a knife, the anus should wonder how to expel it -South-African ProverbThe frown on the face of the goat will not stop it from being taken to the market - Nigerian ProverbAn old lady feels uneasy when dry bones are mentioned in a proverb - Ghanaian ProverbThe same sun that melts the wax, hardens the clay -  Nigerien ProverbIf you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there - Ugandan ProverbThere is no virgin in a maternity ward- Cameroonian ProverbThe madman, who throws a stone into a crowded market, forgets that his own mother could be hit by his madness. - Ugandan ProverbA child can play with its mother's breasts, but not its father's testicles - Guinean ProverbHe who goes to sleep with an itching anus wakes up with smelly fingers - Nigerian ProverbYou can add more funny Proverbs in the comment box below to continue the fun.
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