Little Johnny Jokes 9

Most wanted

Little Johnny’s kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 Most Wanted men. One of the kids pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him very badly.”
"So," Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
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Little Johnny : Mam,Will you punish me for something that I didn’t do?? ?_? Teacher : Not at all. :|] Little Johnny : That’s good. Actually I didn’t do my homework!!!!! :P
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Little Johnny goes to his sisters room and picks up something.   His sister tells him to give it back, she wants to keep it as a souvenir.   He asks her what it is.  She says, "its a donut."    Then Little Johnny says, "give me fifty cents."    Johnny gives her the used condom, and his sister gives him 50 cents.   He goes to the kitchen with a big smile on his face, and his mom asks him why he's smiling.   He says, "My sister gave me fifty cents for a donut, but I already licked out all the custard!
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Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?   Teacher: Little Johnny, May I go to the bathroom?   Little Johnny: But I asked first!
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Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and catches her top less. Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts. Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven. Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!What do you mean? Says his mother. Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!
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Little Johnny Jokes 8

A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "dont look at naked women or youll turn to stone."  Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women.  But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked.   Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman.   his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran.  Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when i saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers
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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.   Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.  One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Dont you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickels bigger?"  Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, theyd stop doing it, and so far Ive made $20!"
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
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One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".  His teacher replies "NO"  Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".  "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.  Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".  She again says "NO".  "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.  "Well I suppose its OK" replies the teacher.  Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THATS NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"  Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
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The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I aint had no fun in months."   Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"  Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
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Little Johnny Jokes 7

One day Little Johnny walks up to his Mom and says, "Mommy, is God Black or White?"

She replies, "Well, Honey, God is both Black and White."

Then he says, "Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?"

"God is both a boy and a girl, Honey," she replies.

"Mommy, is God gay or straight?" he inquires again.

Getting a little irritated, the mother replies, "Well, Honey, God is both gay and straight."

After thinking for a moment, Johnny looks up and asks, "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"
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Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born? " "The stork brought you to us. " "Oh," said Little Johnny. "Well, how did you and daddy get born? " he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too. " "So... how were grandpa and grandma born? " "Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother. The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations. "
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The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described. Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem." Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an apple." Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking." "OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it."Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an orange." Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking." Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher?" Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!" Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a second, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it." Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office!" Johnny: "No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking!"
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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.  She called on him and said, "Johnny!   What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"  Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
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Sunday Class

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
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Little Johnny Jokes 6

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand."My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.Johnny replies, "Don't f*ck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"
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The Teacher asked Little Johnny,   How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?  Little Johnny replied, Just Don't bite any.
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Teacher asks children, what do you wish to do in future?   Jimmy: I want to be a pilot.   Willy: I want to be a doctor.   Mary: I want to be a good mother.  Little Johnny: I want to help Mary.
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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,"
she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the
customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious
success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and
I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of
current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped
a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.
"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing.
Hey, this tastes like shit!
Then I would say.............." It is shit."
Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
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Little Johnny’s 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.  “Johnny,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?”  Johnny says, “Yeah!”
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Little Johnny Jokes 5

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".  The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.  "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.  Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
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Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, "My dad's tougher than your dad!""Oh yeah?" said Little Johnny, "My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs for dinner!""Really?"Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, 'Turn out the light, I wanna eat it!'"
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Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye.   His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"     "But Dad, it wasn't my fault.   We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.   I reached over and pulled it out.   That's when she hit me!"       "Johnny," the father said.   "You don't do those kind of things to women."       Sure enough, the very next Sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.   Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"       "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault.   There we were in church saying our prayers.   We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.   Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.   Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
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If you had a dollar, quizzed the teacher, and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?  One dollar. answered little Johnny.  You don't know your basic math. said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.  Little Johnny shook his head too, You don't know my daddy.
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Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board.   On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "It was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
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Little Johnny Jokes 4

Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores."Not yet," replied little Johnny.His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.Well, now he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal."How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks."Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either.I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says..."Are you going to tell him, or should I?
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One day Little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom what they were having for dinner.  She said that it was a surprise and him and his brother would have to guess what it is after they try it.  Well dinner time came and they started eating it,but they couldn't figure out what it was.  So Little Johnny asked his mom for a hint. She said,"Okay,Ill give you a hint.  I call your father this."Little Johnny said to his brother,"Quick Bobby, spit it out,its asshole!"
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During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him.   Teacher asks, "Johnny, join these two sentences together.   I was cycling to school.   I saw a dead body."   Little Johnny after thinking for a while says, "I saw a dead body cycling to school."
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Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.""I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny. At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?" The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!
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A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.  Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"  Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."  Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"  Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."  Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"  Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."
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Little Johnny Jokes 3

Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.   'I've lost five cents,' sobbed Johnny.   'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.   Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.   'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.   'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten cents!'
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Grandma's House

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away. Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer, his mother reminded him. I don't have to. the little boy replied. Of course you do. his mother insisted. We say a prayer before eating at our house. That's at our house, Johnny explained, but this is Grandmas house and she knows how to cook.
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Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"
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He Says He's Too Smart For 2nd Grade, So His Teacher Puts Him To The Test

A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was, and he replied, "I'm too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too."

The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to him.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question, he would go back to the second grade and be quiet.

The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9."

Principal: "6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36."

So, it went on like this. The principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher, "I see no reason why Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agreed.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"

Johnny: "Legs."

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasped, but before he could stop him from answering, Johnny answered.

Johnny: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants."

Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"

Johnny: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a big sigh of relief and said: "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself."
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A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.  The little girl looked down and said, "Whats that?"  "That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.  The little boy looked down and said, "Whats that?"  "That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.  A few seconds later the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"  "Sure," said the little boy.  The little boys mother was down stairs and heard this blood curdling scream.   She ran upstairs.   Once she got there she saw blood all over the bathtub.  "What happened?!" she said.  "Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."
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Little Johnny Jokes 2

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.  The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.  "Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.  "My goldfish died and Im gonna bury him," Johnny replied.  "Thats a really big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?" asked the neighbor.  "Thats because hes inside your cat!"
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Teacher: Why are you late?Little Johnny: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what Idid.
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks theyre stupid, stand up!"  After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.   The teacher said, "Do you think youre stupid, Little Johnny?"  "No, maam, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed.

"Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
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Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls," and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse. So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra. Which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. And when johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
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Little Johnny Jokes 1

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting fromother boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.One day he took his questions to his mother, and she becameflustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him tohide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sisterand her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnnydescribed everything to his mother.Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned offmost of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figuredsis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. Hemust have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse tofeel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as goodas the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them startedpanting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have beengetting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sisgot toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. Iknow it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel hadgotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pantsand stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed itin one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she gotreally scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she startedcalling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about theones I saw at the lake!Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit herback. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he tooka muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep itfrom biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get ascissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eelput up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and herboyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel bysquishing it between them.After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriendsat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead becauseit just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis andher boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courtinganyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn'tdead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eelsare like cats... They have nine lives or something.This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this timebecause I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet. Mother fainted.
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Giggling In Class

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade

6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started

writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a

giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see

you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had

forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very

top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder

giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the

punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three

weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she

turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This

time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the

classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well

teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
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Homework Palaver

TEACHER: Did you finish your homework?JOHNNY: Did you finish marking my test?  TEACHER: I have other children's tests to mark.
JOHNNY: I have other teachers' homework to do.
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Little Johnny was in bible study one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of johnny.   The teacher asked Sally who our Lord and savior was.   Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a pin and she screamed "Jesus Christ!"   And fell back to sleep.   A little while later the teacher asked Sally who created our world.   Johnny poked her in the butt again and Sally screamed "oh my god!"   And fell back to sleep.   Later the teacher asked Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fifth child.   Johnny poked her in the butt and Sally screamed "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!"
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Teacher: How old is your father? 
Johnny: As old as I am. 
Teacher: How is it possible?
Little Johnny: He became father only after I was born.
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