6. How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife? 7. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. 8. Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes; 2) Accidents; 3) Marriages; Need I say more? 9. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 10. Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage. 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem." 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning. 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees. 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell? 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 If you understand the last joke, then give a like or comment

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Dirty Jokes 10

This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in highschool, unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,"lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.

Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face."
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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!"

This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds." 
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The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"

The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
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How to impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her. How to impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer.
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A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and   says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very  nice but, are... my... test... results... back?
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School Jokes 12

Fred: I got 100 in school today.

Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?

Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History.

Mother: Well, at least you can add!
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Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three what would you have?

Pupil : A fight!
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What did you learn in school today?

Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
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Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!

Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
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Professor: A wise man doubts everything. 

Only a pin-head is positive. 

Student: Are you sure of that, sir? 

Professor: Positive.
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