Akpos Jokes 23

Computer Assistant

Akpos called a Computer Assistant on phone to complain and this conversation took place...
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: May I help you?
AKPOS: Yes, I am having trouble with WordPerfect.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: What sort of trouble?
AKPOS: I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Went away?AKPOS: They disappeared.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Hmm, so what does your screen look like now?
AKPOS: Nothing.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Can you see the C prompt on the screen?A
KPOS: What is the C prompt?
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around the screen?
AKPOS: There isn't any cursor. It won't accept anything I type.COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
AKPOS: What is a monitor?COMPUTER ASSISTANT: It is the thing with the screen on it that looks like a T.V. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is switched on?
AKPOS: I don't know.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Well then, just look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?AKPOS: No, it's too dark in here.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Dark?
AKPOS: Yes, my room's light is off, so the only light I have is what is coming from my window.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Well, you had better turn on your room's light then.
AKPOS: I can't.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Why?AKPOS: Because there is no light.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: No light? Okay, do you still have the boxes, manuals and packing stuff that the computer came in?
AKPOS: Yes, I kept them in my cupboard.
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: That is good. Go and get them and unplug your computer and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
AKPOS: Really? Is it that bad?
COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
AKPOS: Well, alright then what do I tell them?COMPUTER ASSISTANT: Tell them, you are too stupid to own a computer.
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Akpos hates his maths teacher

AKPOS: I don't like my maths teacher.
MUM: Why?
AKPOS: He is confused!
MUM: How?
AKPOS: Day before yesterday, he said 5 + 4 = 9, yesterday he said 3 + 6 = 9 and today he said 2 + 7 = 9
MUM: Can you imagine...I told your dad I never liked that school!

One word for the both of them
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I Love Your Wife

Akpos came home early from office. He was shocked to see his wife with his friend, Thambo. He told his wife to get out of the room. Then he said, "Thambo, what are you doing here?" Thambo replied "I love your wife and she loves me too." To this, Akpos said, "I know she loves me not you." After a long conversation, they decided, "We'll hold our guns and fire at each other and pretend to be dead, she will mourn who she loves most." The wife hears the gunshots, she enters d room, shocked and surprised. Suddenly she started laughing loudly, rejoicing and shouting, "Ochuko! Get out of that wardrobe, these two idiots are dead!"
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Mummy's Boy

MUM: Akpos, why are you crying? AKPOS: I've hurt my finger. MUM: When? AKPOS: Half an hour ago. MUM: I didn't hear you crying then. AKPOS: No, I thought you were out.
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Bad Comparison

TEACHER: You are a failure! At your age, Bill Gates already built his first computer software. AKPOS : Mind you Sir, at your age Adolf Hitler committed Suicide.
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Akpos Jokes 22

Opposite of Original

TEACHER: What is the opposite of good?LINDA: BadTEACHER: Correct! (Looking at Akpos) You, what is the opposite of original?AKPOS: China...
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A Barking Dog Never Bites

Akpos goes over to see his neighbour who has a very ferocious-looking dog. As Akpos approaches the door, the dog begins to bark wildly and his neighbour says to him, "Come on in, Akpos! Don't be afraid of my dog. You know the old proverb: A barking dog never bites." "Yes," replied Akpos, "I know the proverb, and you know the proverb, but does your dog know it?"
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3 New Words

TEACHER: Go home and find three new words or phrases and bring them to me tomorrow. Akpos goes home and asks his mother while she is on the phone. AKPOS: Mum, class teacher gave me an assignment to find three new words or phrases. Can you help me with it?MUM: (feeling irritated) Shut up!AKPOS: Thanks mum. Akpos passes by the living room when he hears his big brother yell, "Superman!". He takes it as his second word. As night approaches, Akpos takes a walk, he passes in front of a classy restaurant, then he hears a man say, "Ladies first". He takes it as his third word/phrase. Akpos goes to school the next day and the teacher asks what his words are...AKPOS: Shut up!TEACHER: Who do you think you are...?AKPOS: Superman!TEACHER: Let's go to the headteacher's office now!AKPOS: Ladies first.
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Killer Son

AKPOS: Dad, do you remember that day I killed a butterfly and you said no butter for a month?DAD: Yeah. AKPOS: Dad do you also remember that day I killed a honey bee and You said no Honey for a month?DAD: Yeah. AKPOS: Well, mummy just killed A cockroach, what should I tell her?
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Somersaulted Car

A woman giving a testimony on how she survived an accident claimed that the car somersaulted 17 times. Akpos who was who in the congregation stood up and said; 
AKPOS: Madam, so of all things to do, you were busy counting how many times the car somersaulted?
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Popular Jokes 16

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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The Interview

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of rsums he found four people who were equally qualified. An American, an Indian, a European and a Nigerian. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked:"What is the fastest thing you know of?"The American on his right replied, " A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of" "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" He asked the Indian. "Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clinch for speed."He then turned to the European who was contemplating his reply. "Well, on my dad's farm, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the field, the light in the barn comes on in less than a second. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," He said. Turning to the Nigerian, the interviewer posed the same question. He replied, "It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "I can explain." Said the man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran to the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already poohed in my pants!"HE GOT THE JOB!
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Painful Moments II

Which one is the most painful?

1. Studying for 7 years in a University, then stay home for 10 years unemployed!2. Raise a child for 20 years, then find out he/she is not yours!
3. Work hard for the whole month, then go to the ATM and get robbed!
4. Going to school for 11months, then get your report written failed...
5. Being faithful to the person you call your Soulmate, then in return, you get AIDS!
6. Study for the whole night for a test, then fail the test.
7. Being in a very good relationship with someone and then end up marrying someone else.
8. You're downloading a video of 5gb and when it reaches 98% your phone dies!
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Two girls were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says,?Why are you arguing?? One girl answers, ?We found a ten dollar and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.? ?You should be ashamed of yourselves,? said the teacher,?When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was.? The girls gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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Alphabetical Order

A pilot announced, "Ladies & Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggages must be thrown out."A little later, the pilot says, "We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin."The plane continues it's descent despite more things being thrown out. The pilot announced again, "Still going down, we must throw out some people"There's a big gasp from the passengers! Then the pilot said, "But to make this fair, passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order. So A, any Africans on board?" No one moves."B, any Blacks on board?" No one moves."C, any Coloureds on board?" Still no one moves."D, any Darkies?"A little black Nigerian boy asks his dad, "Dad, what are we?"His Dad replied, "Tonight son, we are Zombies"
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Popular Jokes 15

Mathematics Burial

Chemistry and his brother Physics, with deep sorrow, announce the death of their father, Mathematics,n who died in a serious calculation on blackboard road, off chalk avenue.Agriculture has promised to provide land for the burial while Woodwork and Fine Art will make and decorate the coffin respectively. Entrepreneurship and his wife Commerce have pledged to provide food and transport for the mourners.CRK will pray for the soul of the departed. History and her friend Geography will narrate the life story of the late Mr Mathematics to the mourners.English will be the master of ceremony and Biology will tell the mourners the disease that killed the late Mr Mathematics."I must sue his dead body for the money he borrowed from me." says Account.
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Mathematical Love letter

I discovered a letter written by one of the maths students to a girl at a secondary school. Here is what the guy wrote...Dear Cynthia,With reference to the syllabus of my feelings, I want to prove that the locus of my point is directly proportional to your heart. On seeing you, I feel like a triangle with only 2 angles, the third one being you. At times I feel like a circle without a circumference and a tangent without a gradient. We are like two simultaneous equations without solutions. You never seem to notice that I am a point lying at your linear equation. Your smile make my mind rotate 360 degrees anticlockwise and applying a translation, I finally get your image. You are factors of a quadratic equation but still feel two disjoint sets. You are the hypotenuse of my right angled triangle and on using either sine or cosine, we can obtain a real solution. I tried to deal with you on a calculator version but the probability of success is very low. My letter consists of only one section to be answered without a calculator and the answer is to be given "Yes" in three significant figures. My life without you is like coordinates of a quadratic turning point. My love for you is infinite like the graph of Tan 90 and Tan 270 degrees. Your MathematicalXxxx
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Weather Man

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
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Two Thieves

The President and his wife, visited a catholic church in Abuja. In honour of their visitation, the church decided to keep  blown up pictures of both of them beside the Crucifix (Jesus on the Cross), one on each side. On getting to church, the President's wife saw the pictures on the altar and she got annoyed, the President noticed and asked, "Patience, what is the matter?"She answered, "Can't you see our pictures on the altar beside Jesus?, It signifies Jesus Christ and the Two THIEVES!"
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Clash Of The Teachers

Two teachers were arguing in the class and the students were watching. Others teachers were trooping in one after the other to join in the feisty argument ENGLISH TEACHER: What a pugnacious and combatant fight! Teachers manoeuvring themselves in the presence of their pupils.
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Stop this now or Ill balance your equation with acid and base.
MATHS TEACHER: Please! Please!... Stop, before I divide and subtract your names from our teachers list.
CRK TEACHER: Oh God of Nazareth, forgive them cause they do not know what they are doing.
ECONOMICS TEACHER: What a human behaviour, Ill draw a scale of preference to know who's at fault. MUSIC TEACHER: Stop both of you lack voices to win an argument, your phonetic is voiceless, your treble and your auto lack vocal sound.
HISTORY TEACHER: Ill compare this fight with that of fight between the Greeks and the Persians in 245 AD. BIOLOGY TEACHER: What a shame between these two species of Homo sapiens. The knot of your Medula Oblongata is loosing. I must get a Spanner to stop this Osmosis.
Comment below on which Teacher nailed it.
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Jokes from FB page

What do jello and a woman have in common?They both wiggle when you eat them. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?A Tent There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself."What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty."Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!" For complete joke https://ift.tt/2GammgF

Relationships Jokes 8

"Kiss me," said the young lady urgently. "Please kiss me."But the young man turned his head away, saying, "Of course not.How can I? I'm your own brother-in-law. Hell, we shouldn't even be lying here making love."
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What do jello and a woman have in common?They both wiggle when you eat them.
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You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. Iget wet before you do. What am I?A Tent
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for you girls...Why is 88 better than 69?You get 8 twice.
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There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself."What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty."Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
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Husband and Wife Jokes 7

Walking home after a girls night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first womans husband phones the second womans husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "Thats nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, From all of us at the fire station, well never forget you."
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A Mess In Court

Things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well I can see pretty well I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Two husbands were having a conversation,   First guy (proudly): My wife's an angel!  Second guy: You're lucky, mine's still alive.
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Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.  Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.  "Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad," Kate said.  Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so."  A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out."  "Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so," Paul says.  A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."  Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so."  Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.  He decides to go to a bar down the road.  After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.  He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.  He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.  He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.  Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."  She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch."  A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.  He fixed everything.  I asked him what I could do for payment."  He said "I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."  Paul says, LWell, what kind of cake did you bake him?"  Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!"
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Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?  Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and Ill sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.
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Just laugh on this one

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

A boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and her."

The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven, would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked: "Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the first time.

But the boy asked his friend to do him this favor every week, and he did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in heaven have a go!"

Answer me this Jokes 7

Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.
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Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?A: The United States of America!
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Q: What do a bungee jump cord and a hooker have in common?   A: If the rubber breaks you're screwed.
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Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
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Q: What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school?  A: Bison.
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Answer me this Jokes 6

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?  A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
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Q: Why did the lion brake up with his girlfriend?  A: Cuz she was a CHEETAH!
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Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
A: You can see right through them.
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Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
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Q: What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?A: FIRETRUCK.
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Relationships Jokes 7

Biology Class In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
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A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father   asked, "Does this fellow have any money ?"      The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike."   sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about   you."
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A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"
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The Big Horse Race Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot. At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson. At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming. At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up. Clean Sheets never had a chance.
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Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood,and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room. The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna tell him, or should I ?"
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Dirty Jokes 9

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
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A total naked woman rushed in a taxi.   The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly.   The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, havent you ever seen a naked woman?"   The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."
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Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: "Jack, what happened to you?!?" "It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"

"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"

"Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in..."
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If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why dont vampires suck cock?  Oh wait... Twilight
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.   She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause were going down the tracks."   The mother went nuts and told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."   Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."   She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."   As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
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