6. How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife? 7. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. 8. Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes; 2) Accidents; 3) Marriages; Need I say more? 9. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 10. Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage. 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem." 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning. 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees. 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell? 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 If you understand the last joke, then give a like or comment

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Dirty Jokes 10

This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in highschool, unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,"lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.

Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face."
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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!"

This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds." 
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The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"

The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
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How to impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her. How to impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer.
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A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and   says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very  nice but, are... my... test... results... back?
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School Jokes 12

Fred: I got 100 in school today.

Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?

Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History.

Mother: Well, at least you can add!
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Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three what would you have?

Pupil : A fight!
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What did you learn in school today?

Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
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Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!

Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
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Professor: A wise man doubts everything. 

Only a pin-head is positive. 

Student: Are you sure of that, sir? 

Professor: Positive.
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Answer me this Jokes 10

Q: Why are pubic hairs curly? 
A: So you don't poke your eye out.
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Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing the chickens.
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Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A tea bag.
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Q:What do you get when a duck and a cow cross the road?
A:Milk and Quackers
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Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode?
A: What a lavaly day!
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Answer me this Jokes 9

Q: Why did the ink pots cry?
A: Their mother was in the pen doing a long sentence.
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Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
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Q: Why are ghosts such good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit!
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Q:Whats the hardest thing about learning to play tennis?   A:Telling your parents that your gay!
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Q: What does a bankrupt frog say?A: "Baroke, baroke, baroke."
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School Jokes 11

Special High Intensity Teaching Memo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity From students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S. H. I. T.). We are trying to give our students more S. H. I. T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S. H. I. T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle. Students who don't know S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T.). Those who fail to take D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E. A. T. S. H. I. T.). Since our lecturers took S. H. I. T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S. H. I. T. anymore, as they are all full of S. H. I. T. already. If you are full of S. H. I. T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B. U. L. L. S. H. I. T.). For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H. O. T. S. H. I. T.). Thank you,BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B. I. G. S. H. I. T.)
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Joey and Katie are sitting in school.  Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.  "Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.  "Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.  "Correct." Says the teacher.  So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?"   Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joeys pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.  "Correct again." Says the teacher.  So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"  Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joeys pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"
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Teacher: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?  Father: No. Why do you ask that?  Teacher: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
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One morning a boy walks in to class late  His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"  He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"  15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks where have you been she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"  2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"
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What is the longest word in the English language?  Smiles: there is a mile between the first and last letters!
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School Jokes 10

The answer to the problem was “log(1+x)”.   A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn’t want to make it obvious that he was  cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to “timber(1+x).”
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Stacy: You know Tracy, sometimes I don't understand life.  Tracy: What do you mean?  Stacy: When we were a younger, we learnt to talk and to walk. At school, we always have to sit down and shut up...
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"                                                    At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:"How much for a season pass?"
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Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.   Everyone must attend it.  Mary: No madam! I will not be able to attend it.  Teacher: Why?  Mary: My mother will not allow me to go so far!
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.   At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.   The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,   “Take only one. God is watching.”  Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.   One child whispered to another, “Take all you want.   God is watching the apples.”
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