Akpos Jokes 13

Who Died?

PRINCIPAL: Why were you absent yesterday? AKPOS: I attended a burial ma. PRINCIPAL: Hmm! That will not stop me from punishing you today. Now answer me... Who died? AKPOS: The first son of the cousin of my grand-mother's youngest nephew who is also the youngest step-brother to the woman who gave birth to my uncle's youngest step-son and he was also... PRINCIPAL: Alright! Alright! Please! That's enough! Just go to the Class!
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The Customer Is Always Right

The following conversation ensued between Akpos and his boss:BOSS: Akpos, I saw you arguing with the customer that just left. I have told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?AKPOS: Yes sir! The customer is always right.BOSS: So what were you arguing about? AKPOS: He said you are a moron and an idiot, sir!
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Faithful

KWAME: I don't know why people find it difficult to be faithful to their spouses and partners.                                   AKPOS: I can't even imagine it. I have never cheated on my six girlfriends.
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Bible or Iphone

PASTOR: If your bible and your Iphone is falling, which one will you catch first?AKPOS: My Iphone. Because the word of God cannot be broken.
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HIV Test

Akpos went for HIV test in a hospital on Friday and was told to come back on Monday for the result.When he got to church on Sunday, the pastor declared to the people that, ''Everything you are looking forward to this week shall be positive!''Akpos jumped to his feet and shouted, ''I reject it in Jesus name! My own go be Negative ooooo!"
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Bad Assignment

Akpos submitted his English Composition assignment to his class teacher...TEACHER: Your assignment is the worst in the class. It's not only ungrammatical, it's rude and in bad taste. I'm going to send your father a note about it.AKPOS: I don't think that would help ma. He wrote it.
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Triplet

Akpos who just received a message that his wife has given birth, ran happily to the hospital and the following conversation took place between him and the doctor...DOCTOR: Congratulation sir, your wife has just given birth to Triplet.  AKPOS: Thanks doctor but why did you and my wife name the baby without my consent?
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Dead Cat

The teacher asked Akpos, "Why is your cat at school today Akpos?" Akpos replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Akpos leaves for school today!'"
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Parachute Landing.

AKPOS: Buy this parachute and land safely On the ground during emergency.CUSTOMER: What if the parachute doesn't open when needed?AKPOS: You will get your money back whenever I See you.
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The Desert

Akpos is right back from school, tired and hungry:MOTHER: Akpos, you are back? AKPOS: Yes mum.MOTHER: What were you taught in school today?AKPOS: Agriculture.MOTHER: Which topic?AKPOS: The Desert!MOTHER: What is a desert?AKPOS: A desert is a barren area of land where plants or grasses hardly grow on.MOTHER: Good boy. Give an example?AKPOS: Dad's Head.
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Akpos Jokes 14

My Dear Country

Akpos went to the American Embassy for a student visa, and the process of his interview with the white lady went this way...WHITE LADY: What are you going to the USA for?AKPOS: To study.WHITE LADY: Which city, school and which course do you wish to study?AKPOS: Chicago, Economics and Statistics. These are my admission documents.WHITE LADY: But there are many Universities in Nigeria that offer this course and you still want to travel as far as USA to study the same course? why? I doubt your genuine intention and therefore cant give you the entry visa that you have applied for.AKPOS: (angry) Please give me back my passport let me get out of this place! What do you think is in USA that is not in Nigeria, what do you think that I will see in USA that we dont have in Nigeria here? Do you think that USA is in any way better than this country and if you think that USA is better than Nigeria, then why have you chosen to stay in Nigeria instead of your country America?WHITE LADY: (angry and passionate about her dear country stood up and said) Look Im gonna give you entry visa to USA so that you gonna travel to America and see what is in USA The difference between America and Nigeria. (she stamped the visa for Akpos).
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Smart Phone

A conversation between Akpos and Emeka:AKPOS: Emeka. Please, give me your phone, I want to call my girlfriend. I don't have credit in mine.EMEKA: (hands phone to Akpos) No problem, but be quick with the call. AKPOS: Thanks alot. (Akpos dials girlfriend's number, makes a quick phone call and then returns happy and excited)AKPOS: O boy, this your phone na correct phone oh, wetin be the name?EMEKA: Yes oh, na blackberry smart phone.AKPOS: Kai, no wonder dem dey call am 'smart phone'. The phone sabi no be small. Do you believe, when I typed and dialled my girlfriend's number on your phone, it showed the number as 'My love'. How did your phone know that I'm calling my girlfriend?One word for Akpos?
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Akpos Gets First Class

Akpos bursts into the house, "Daddy! My CGPA is 4.78!"The father is amazed and says "This calls for a party." The father takes Akpos on a ride around town to shopping malls and Eateries. He spends all he has including his Month end salary. The father thought to himself, "At least I celebrated my son's success even if I'm eventually broke."  When they got home, Akpos shows his result to his Father. His father looking stunned, angrily snares at his son, "WHAT IS THIS? I thought you said you had a First Class? But what I'm seeing  on your result is a Third Class!"Akpos, who is smiling sheepishly, suddenly shouts, "APRIL FOOL DAD!!!"What do you think will happen to Akpos?
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English Letter

Akpos is a varsity student. The Lecturer ordered him to write an apology letter showing why he didn't submit an assignment.Dear Lecturer,I'm sorry I could not do the homework on time because I was tired after watching television. Thank you.The Lecturer warns him to write a formal letter with formal English reflective of a varsity student lest he be punished.This is what Akpos wrote:Dear knowledge conduit,My sovereign persona is thoroughly apologetic for my sordid academic behavioural inactivity or academic hibernation as regards the assignment. Unfortunately, our smart Samsung HDTV was visually competitive in relation to the assignment, prompting me to fall prey to its seduction to the detriment of the assignment. Ultimately, my exhaustion directed my nocturnally loyal body to my bed thereby rendering me half dead albeit still breathing in the process.Best Regards.AkposWhat do you think of Akpos letter?
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In My Shoes

A teacher was testing her students' intelligent level..."I saw a snake on my way home. Assuming you were in my shoes, what will you do?" asks the teacher.JAMES: I will look for stick and kill it!"That's smart of you James." says the teacher."Robbers attacked me in my car and said, ''Your car keys or your life! Assuming you were in my shoes, what will you do?" asks the teacher again.JOY: I will give them the car keys and run for my life. Once there is life, there is hope."Wow! That's so wise of you Joy." says the teacher."I returned from work, opened my door and saw 50 million dollars on my bed. Assuming you were in my shoes, what will you do?" asks the teacher.AKPOS: I will bite your toes until you faint. I will then come out from your shoes and take all the money!TEACHER: Fool! You can't literally be inside my shoes. It's a figure of speech.AKPOS: You can't literally open your door and see 50 million dollars on your bed. That's a figure of speech.
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Go And Hide!

An old man saw the class teacher of his grandson, Akpos coming. Akpos had not gone to school for two days. This is what transpired between the grandfather and Akpos:

GRANDFATHER: Akpos, your teacher is coming! Go and hide! You have not been to school for two days.
AKPOS: I told him my grandfather is dead so I could not go to school. So you rather go and hide.

one word for Akpos?
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Are You Relaxing?

Akpos was enjoying the sun at the beach in Lekki when a lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?"Akpos replied, "No, I am Akpos."A man came and asked him the same question.Akpos replied, "No! No!... I'm Akpos!"Later on a little girl came and asked him same question again. Akpos became angry and decided to move away. While walking, he saw a guy sunbathing. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The guy replied, "Yes, I am relaxing."Akpos hit him real hard on the face and screamed, "Where have you been?! Everybody has been asking of you?!"What do you think will happen to Akpos?
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Desperate Girl

At a table in a restaurant, Akpos and a Lady were having dinner: AKPOS: Baby, I love you, would you please marry me?LADY: (Stands up and suddenly slaps Akpos) I have waited more than nine years, I have prayed, fasted, sowed seeds, bought books and listened to tapes, even went out of my way to be nice to every male species of marriageable age! I took up new hobbies, watching football and play station. I went to DayStar, from DayStar, I went to House on the Rock, from House on the Rock, I went to Guiding Light Assembly, from there I went to Winners looking every where for you. l went from a size 14 to a size 10, so that when you see me you would love what you see. I left Lagos, went to Abuja, from Abuja I went to Port- Harcourt, then I went all the way to Kano. I joined hi-five, from hi-five to Facebook, then I joined twitter, I even had a blog on which I ranted, hoping you would show up! For where? I uploaded only my best pictures on Facebook, infact I took photo sessions to look my best, all for you! I attended all the weddings, whether the invitation was direct or indirect! The next place I was hoping to check was the moon, before you crawled out from the house directly next to mine! So it was you all this while? The neighbour I said hello to every morning? Were you trying to destroy my faith? You almost rendered my prayer life useless? What were you waiting for? What sign where you looking for? Do you want to kill me before you reveal yourself?!!! Now be a gentleman, get down on your knees and put that ring onmy finger!!!Akpos, totally stunned, replied: "I was only joking!"Akpos is right now in the hospital.
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Buy Biscuit

AKPOS: Dad, buy me biscuit when you are coming back from work. DAD: I will only buy you the biscuit if you can spell it. AKPOS: Ok then, buy me P.K.
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New Tablet

KWAME: I just bought a samsung galaxy tablet!AKPOS: Sorry bro, get well soon.
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Akpos Jokes 12

Thunder Sound

In a science class...TEACHER: Who can tell us why we always see the lightening first before we hear the sound of the thunder later?AKPOS: Because our eyes are in front of our ears.
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Marriage Conditions

GIRL: When we get married, I want you to stop smoking. AKPOS: Ok! GIRL: I will also want you to stop drinking too. AKPOS: Ok! GIRL: As well as stop going to the night club too. AKPOS: Yes. GIRL: You should stop watching soccer matches with your boys also AKPOS: Okay! GIRL: What else can you quit? AKPOS: The idea of marrying you.
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Akpos' Landlord

This brief conversation ensued between Akpos and his landlord...LANDLORD: (knocks at Akpos door)AKPOS: (Opens the door)LANDLORD: Hey man, I'm looking for my house rent?AKPOS: You can come in let's look for it together.
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Family Problems

Akpos and Kwame met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. Kwame kept complaining about his family problems. Finally, Akpos said to Kwame, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation:  "A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"
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English Language Class

One boring Monday morning, Mr. Akpos, our English teacher entered the class and addressed us. He started; "Lets show the principal and our guest how much we have learnt so far this year. Lets do some comparatives. So I say small, you say small, smaller, smallest and on and on like that."We all nodded, looking very tired.MR. AKPOS: BigCLASS: (All chorused) Big, bigger ,biggestMR. AKPOS: CleanCLASS: Clean, cleaner, cleanestMR AKPOS: Tall CLASS: Tall, taller, tallestMR AKPOS: (Smiling) Very goodCLASS: Very good, very gooder, very goodestMR. AKPOS: Oh gosh!CLASS: Oh gosh, oh gosher, oh goshestMR. AKPOS: Stop it now!CLASS: Stop it now, stop it nower, stop it nowestMR AKPOS: Oh please!CLASS: Oh please, oh pleaser, oh pleasestMR. AKPOS: Look at me!CLASS: Look at me, look at me-er, look at me-estMR. AKPOS: What a disgrace!CLASS: What a disgrace, what a disgracer, what a disgracestMr. Akpos furiously left the class.
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Questionaire

Nawa for all these rich people. Akpos went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached Akpos and asked: MAID: What would you like to have; fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?AKPOS: Tea please.MAID: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, kericho gold tea, bush tea or green tea?AKPOS: Ceylon tea please. MAID: How do you want it; black or white?AKPOS: White.MAID: Milk or fresh cream?AKPOS: With milk.MAID: Goat milk or cow milk?AKPOS: Cow milk.MAID: Freeze-land cow or Afrikaner cow?AKPOS: (Thinking), let me have freeze-land cow.MAID: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?AKPOS: Sugar.MAID: Bee sugar or cane sugar?AKPOS: Cane sugarMAID: White, brown or yellow sugar?AKPOS: Abeg, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water.MAID: Mineral, tap or distilled water?Akpos: Mineral water. MAID: Flavoured or non-flavoured?AKPOS: Infact get me an empty glass!MAID: Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?  AKPOS: Abeg, free me, I go fast"MAID: Wet fast or dry fast?
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Good Samaritan

Akpos picked up a blackberry Z10 in a taxi. He checked through the contacts and found "MY number 2" then he called it and luckily the owner answered "Wow! Thank God! Where did you pick the phone" Akpos quickly interrupted "not so fast lady, please give me your address."  "You want to bring the phone? Wow that's so nice of you. If only this country was full of good people like you..."Akpos interrupted "What nonsense are you saying? I want to come and collect the charger!"
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School Donation

A guy knocked at Akpos' door asking for a donation for the local primary school's swimming pool.So Akpos went inside his house and came back saying, "Here, have a cup of water."
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How Many Feet

TEACHER: How many feet are there in a yard?AKPOS: It depends, if there are 3 people, then we have six feet.
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Keep Driving!

Akpos was driving home late one night. His front lights were no longer working so he was driving on the road behind a car whose front lights were working perfectly.All of a sudden, the car in front stopped moving. Akpos waited for close to 5 minutes in his car but the car in front didn't move.Akpos shouted, "Why did you stop? come on, keep driving!"The man in the car shouted back; "Should I keep driving in my own garage?"
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