Husband and Wife Jokes 5

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”  “What?   Are you crazy?   The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!” “I know all that.”   “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”   “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?  Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
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Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be,
This widow had a grown-up daughter, with flowing hair of red,
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife,
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run,
And this made him my grandson, for he was my daughter's son,
My wife is now my mother's mother and this makes me very blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's now my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild,
And every time I think of this, it simply drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case that you ever saw,
As the husband of my grandmother, I am now my own grandpa!

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Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands allday. Husband: I too wish that u were a newspapers so I could have a new one everyday.
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Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had avery embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on. "So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control any lingering effects. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight. "He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a rotten egg gone worse. When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her blind fold. And when she did, 50 people around her said "Surprise! "
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