Husband and Wife Jokes 2

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
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The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.  On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun.   "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains.   "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."  The man is horrified, "You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"  "Well," says the proctor, "youre definitely not the right man for this job then."  The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun.   "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains.   "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."  The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room.   After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes.   "I wanted to do it I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job."  Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."  The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, shes fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing.   Suddenly, all goes quiet.  The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
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A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Moral of the story:
Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.
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Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat... 
Husband: How does it help 
Wife: I use your toothbrush!
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A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
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