Relationships Jokes 2

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?Just when it's getting interesting they are finished until next time...
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A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"The woman replies, "I'm a whore."The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute.""No, that is still too crude. Try again."They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?""Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening   the front door.   "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil   all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move   until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."   "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh,   it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one   for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No   more was said about the "statue."   Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the   kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he   said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's   for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMANCaress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.HOW TO SATISFY A MANShow up naked ..... and bring beer.
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Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they   make   love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped   on her   reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his   hand.   "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been   using   on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you   sneaky   bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of   sneaky,"   her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three   kids."
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Little Johnny Jokes 2

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.  The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.  "Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.  "My goldfish died and Im gonna bury him," Johnny replied.  "Thats a really big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?" asked the neighbor.  "Thats because hes inside your cat!"
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Teacher: Why are you late?Little Johnny: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what Idid.
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks theyre stupid, stand up!"  After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.   The teacher said, "Do you think youre stupid, Little Johnny?"  "No, maam, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed.

"Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
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Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls," and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse. So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra. Which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. And when johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
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PSJokes on Facebook

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she! wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she replied......"I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher lady. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store." ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too." She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched roosters," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said. ===========================================≠==============================≠==≠==≈============ Life Lesson A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there... #PRMPSMARTJOKES