Dirty Jokes 4

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. Jack got a shock, with a mouth full of cock, to find out Jill's real name was Randy.
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"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
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There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
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Dirty Jokes 3

Girl: Babe I just gotta a tattoo of a sea shell on my thigh can you hear the ocean?  *Pulls his head to her thigh*   Guy: Nope, But I sure can smell the fish.
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A little boy and girl are sitting in a bathtub together. The girl looks down and asks, "Can I touch it?" The boy replies, "No, you already broke yours off!"
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Andy and Annie are watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.   The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”  Annie has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.  Meanwhile, Andy approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.  With a frown Annie says, “Andy, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”
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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.  Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.  When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"  His father thinking quickly said, "Son, thats so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."  "Gee Dad thats great," said little Billy.  A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"   "What do you mean?" said Dad.  "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus Im coming, Im coming" If it hadnt of been for Uncle George holding her down wed have lost her for sure!"
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Dirty Jokes 2

A man goes into a library and asks where he can find books on suicide.   ‘First row on the left,’ replied the librarian.   The man replies, ‘But I’ve already looked in that section.   It’s empty.’  ‘I’m not surprised,’ says the librarian.   ‘They don’t often bring them back.
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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.   The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."  The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace."  The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence."  The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.   The first three women give her this subtle "Well…?"  She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, Oh my God…"
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Girls are like biscuits - they are tough until they get wet.
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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesnt pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"  He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, youre going to shit when I tell you the price."
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.   He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.  She says, "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"  "I dont care, open it now!" he replies.  So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.  The guy says, "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" she looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples?"   "DO IT!"  So the nurse sucks it back.  "That one there, drink that one as well," so the nurse drinks that one as well.  Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey its not that hard."
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