6. How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife? 7. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. 8. Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes; 2) Accidents; 3) Marriages; Need I say more? 9. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 10. Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage. 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem." 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning. 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees. 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell? 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 If you understand the last joke, then give a like or comment

via http://bit.ly/2skQg7X

Dirty Jokes 10

This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in highschool, unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,"lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.

Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face."
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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!"

This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds." 
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The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"

The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
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How to impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her. How to impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer.
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A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and   says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very  nice but, are... my... test... results... back?
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School Jokes 12

Fred: I got 100 in school today.

Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?

Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History.

Mother: Well, at least you can add!
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Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three what would you have?

Pupil : A fight!
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What did you learn in school today?

Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
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Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!

Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
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Professor: A wise man doubts everything. 

Only a pin-head is positive. 

Student: Are you sure of that, sir? 

Professor: Positive.
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Answer me this Jokes 10

Q: Why are pubic hairs curly? 
A: So you don't poke your eye out.
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Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing the chickens.
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Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A tea bag.
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Q:What do you get when a duck and a cow cross the road?
A:Milk and Quackers
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Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode?
A: What a lavaly day!
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Answer me this Jokes 9

Q: Why did the ink pots cry?
A: Their mother was in the pen doing a long sentence.
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Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
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Q: Why are ghosts such good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit!
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Q:Whats the hardest thing about learning to play tennis?   A:Telling your parents that your gay!
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Q: What does a bankrupt frog say?A: "Baroke, baroke, baroke."
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School Jokes 11

Special High Intensity Teaching Memo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity From students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S. H. I. T.). We are trying to give our students more S. H. I. T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S. H. I. T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle. Students who don't know S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T.). Those who fail to take D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E. A. T. S. H. I. T.). Since our lecturers took S. H. I. T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S. H. I. T. anymore, as they are all full of S. H. I. T. already. If you are full of S. H. I. T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B. U. L. L. S. H. I. T.). For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H. O. T. S. H. I. T.). Thank you,BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B. I. G. S. H. I. T.)
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Joey and Katie are sitting in school.  Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.  "Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.  "Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.  "Correct." Says the teacher.  So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?"   Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joeys pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.  "Correct again." Says the teacher.  So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"  Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joeys pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"
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Teacher: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?  Father: No. Why do you ask that?  Teacher: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
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One morning a boy walks in to class late  His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"  He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"  15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks where have you been she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"  2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"
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What is the longest word in the English language?  Smiles: there is a mile between the first and last letters!
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School Jokes 10

The answer to the problem was “log(1+x)”.   A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn’t want to make it obvious that he was  cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to “timber(1+x).”
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Stacy: You know Tracy, sometimes I don't understand life.  Tracy: What do you mean?  Stacy: When we were a younger, we learnt to talk and to walk. At school, we always have to sit down and shut up...
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"                                                    At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:"How much for a season pass?"
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Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.   Everyone must attend it.  Mary: No madam! I will not be able to attend it.  Teacher: Why?  Mary: My mother will not allow me to go so far!
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.   At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.   The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,   “Take only one. God is watching.”  Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.   One child whispered to another, “Take all you want.   God is watching the apples.”
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Little Johnny Jokes 9

Most wanted

Little Johnny’s kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 Most Wanted men. One of the kids pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him very badly.”
"So," Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
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Little Johnny : Mam,Will you punish me for something that I didn’t do?? ?_? Teacher : Not at all. :|] Little Johnny : That’s good. Actually I didn’t do my homework!!!!! :P
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Little Johnny goes to his sisters room and picks up something.   His sister tells him to give it back, she wants to keep it as a souvenir.   He asks her what it is.  She says, "its a donut."    Then Little Johnny says, "give me fifty cents."    Johnny gives her the used condom, and his sister gives him 50 cents.   He goes to the kitchen with a big smile on his face, and his mom asks him why he's smiling.   He says, "My sister gave me fifty cents for a donut, but I already licked out all the custard!
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Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?   Teacher: Little Johnny, May I go to the bathroom?   Little Johnny: But I asked first!
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Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and catches her top less. Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts. Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven. Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!What do you mean? Says his mother. Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!
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Relationships Jokes 12

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."+------------------------------------------------------------------------ On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice." The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times."
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What two things in the air will get a women pregnant?
Ans: Her legs.
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Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom. Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer."Sister," he asked, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl)"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?""I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"
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Recipe for Banana Bread Ingredients:

2 Laughing Eyes, 2 Loving Arms, 2 Well Shaped Legs, 2 Firm Milk Containers, 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl, 2 Large Nuts, 1 Large Banana

Method:
1. Look into Loving Eyes.
2. Fold in Loving Arms.
3. Spread Well Shaped Legs.
4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.
Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl.

N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
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A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you? " The farmer said,"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's . "The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds? " The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres. " The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case? " The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere. "The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge? " The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere. " The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit? " The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays. " The exasperated attorney said, " Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything? "The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30. "Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "Why DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE? " And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her. "
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Answer me this Jokes 8

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?  A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
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Q: What do you say to a dog before he eats? - A: Bone appetite!
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Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?   A: An Investigator
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Q: Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she'll let it go!
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Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?  A: They have two left feet.
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School Jokes 9

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.   She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.  Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things.   What am I?”   A little boy on the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”
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A gentleman wanders around the campus of a school looking for the library.   He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?”   The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!”  The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, “I beg your pardon.   Please allow me to rephrase my question.   Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, idiot?”
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One day a college professor after getting irritated in his college class stands up in front of the class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and if there is one then he/she should stand up.   After a minute a young man stands up.   The professor then asks that guy if he actually thinks he is an idiot.   The boy replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
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Father: Son this time, you have to score 90% marks in your exams.  Son: No father Ill score 100% marks.  Father: Why are you kidding?  Son: Who started?
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Teacher: “You know you can’t sleep in my class.”  Boy: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”
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Little Johnny Jokes 8

A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "dont look at naked women or youll turn to stone."  Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women.  But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked.   Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman.   his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran.  Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when i saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers
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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.   Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.  One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Dont you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickels bigger?"  Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, theyd stop doing it, and so far Ive made $20!"
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
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One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".  His teacher replies "NO"  Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".  "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.  Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".  She again says "NO".  "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.  "Well I suppose its OK" replies the teacher.  Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THATS NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"  Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
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The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I aint had no fun in months."   Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"  Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
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Relationships Jokes 11

A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."
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A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious,I named them for you."The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation,"Well what did you name them?"The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!What did you come up with for my son?"The brother replied, "Denephew."
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Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: Up! Quick! My husband is back! Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: Damn, I am the husband!
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Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married! There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
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Popular Jokes 18

My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” So I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.” I took off her shoes. “Now take off my bra and panties.” So I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”
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It's Not Working

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my Mum's place."I opened the fridge. The light came on. My orange juice was very cold. What the hell is she talking about?
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Endless Chain

Boss says to secretary, "We are travelling abroad for the week, so make arrangements."Secretary makes a call to her husband, "My boss and I will be travelling abroad for the week, so look after kids."Husband makes call to secret lover, "My wife is going abroad for the week, so let's spend the week together."Secret lover makes a call to a little boy whom she is giving private lessons, "I'm going to be busy throughout the week, so you need not come for classes."Little boy makes call to his grandfather, "Grandpa, I don't have classes for the week, because my teacher is going to be busy. Let's spend the week together."Grandpa makes a call to his Secretary, "I'm afraid we won't be travelling again. My grandson and I are going to spend the week together."Secretary makes a call to her husband, "My boss has some personal matters to attend to, so our trip is cancelled."Husband makes a call to secret lover, "We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip."Secret lover makes a call to little boy, "We will still have classes as usual this week."Little boy makes a call to his grandfather, "Grandpa! I'm sorry we won't be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes."Grandpa makes a call to his secretary, "Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements."How will the chain be broken?
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The phone call

a couple agreed that whenever they wanted to have s#x they'd say "let's make a phone call"one day the man sent his son to tell his mom while she was busy in the kitchen. Son: mom, daddy said you should come so he can make a phone call. Mom: go and tell your daddy that the network is busy. Dad: then tell her that i will go elsewhere to make the call. Mom : tell you daddy that if he does that, i will open a call center here!
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Two Tigers were resting under a tree..
Suddenly a RABBIT passed very fast
Tiger could not make out & asked
“What was that?” 2nd Tiger smiled and said:
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Fast Food..xP :P
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Popular Jokes 17

Cheating Boyfriend

BOYFRIEND: I cheated.                 GIRLFRIEND: Damn you! I hate you and let me tell you too that I cheated on you with your best friend. I even slept with your brother!                BOYFRIEND: What?!                      GIRLFRIEND: Yea, you heard me right.              BOYFRIEND: I meant on my test you bitch!!!GIRLFRIEND: Oh!
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Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

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Saw an ad in the newspaper : Need Accountant, 15000Rs – 20000Rs.
So I called and told them the answer is -5000Rs…
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Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!"
Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works."
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A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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School Jokes 8

Teacher: “How can you prove the earth is round?”  Boy: “I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.”
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Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"  Ramu: "The moon".  Teacher: "Why?"  Ramu: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the  day time when we don't need it".
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Boy: The principal is so dumb!  Girl: Do you know who I am?  Boy: No...  Girl: I am the principals daughter!  Boy: Do you know who I am?  Girl: No...  Boy: Good! *walks away*
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Teacher: “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”  Boy: “Seven!”  Teacher: “No, listen carefully again.   If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”  Boy: “Seven!”  Teacher: “Let’s try this another way.   If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?”  Boy: “Six.”  Teacher: “Good.   Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”  Boy: “Seven!”  Teacher: “How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?”  Boy: “I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!”
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Jimmy: Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?  Teacher: no, of course not.  Jimmy: good, because I didn't do my homework.
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School Jokes 7

"Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?"  "Dont tell me that they havent found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!"
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Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "t".  Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.
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Teacher: Ramu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brothers.   Did u copy his?  Ramu: No, teacher, its the same dog!
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Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"  Sam: "I don't know."  Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."  Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"
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Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with a direct object?  Student: You are pretty.  Teacher: What’s the direct object?  Student: A good report card.
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School Jokes 6

Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little   attention."  Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"
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Teacher: “You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?”
Boy: “Not a bit!”
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Teacher: Why are you late?  Ramu: Because of the sign.  Teacher: What sign?  Ramu: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.   The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?”   Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”  The teacher had had enough.     She took Harry to the principal’s office.  While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.   The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.   The teacher agreed.  Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.  Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”  Harry: “9″.  Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”  Harry: “36″.  And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.   The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.”  The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”  The principal and Harry both agree.  The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”  Harry, after a moment, “Legs.”  Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”   The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!  Harry replied, “Pockets.”  Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”  Harry: “Pants”  Teacher: "What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"  Harry: Coconut  The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.  Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"  Harry: "Bubblegum"  Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"  The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.  Harry: "Shake hands"  Teacher: "Now I will ask some “Who am I sort of questions, okay?"  Harry: "Yep."  Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."  Harry: "Tent"  Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first."  Principal was looking restless and bit tense.  Harry: "Wedding Ring"  Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."  Harry: "Nose"  Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."  Harry: "Arrow"  Teacher: "What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?"  Harry: "Firetruck"  The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”
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Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?  Pupil: Because it can’t sit down!  An ideal homework excuse  Teacher: Where is your homework?  Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school  Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?  Pupil: That’s not fair!  You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
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Relationships Jokes 10

What's the definition of a real loser?A guy who has a wet dream and gets HIV.
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Why do bankers make great lovers? They know the penalty for early withdrawal.
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Good News, Bad News, Worse News II

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
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Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
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Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"The priest says, "I mean her legs."
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Relationships Jokes 9

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry."Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously."No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend then?" he asked."No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear."Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."
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Good News, Bad News, Worse News IV Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Worse: So are you
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How do you clean a condom?Turn it inside out and shake the f*ck out of it!
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Q. Whats long, hard and full of semen??A. A submarine. Sent by Sam
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While attending a spelling session in school one day,The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?Darla raises her hand and says "I can, I can"The teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla..."Darla replies..."D-U-M-B"The teacher replies, "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB."The teacher replies, "OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?"Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla."Darla replies, "S-T-U-P-I-D"The teacher replies "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID."The teacher replies, "OK, well lets continue, can anyone spell the word DICTATE?"No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spell the word DICTATE?Buckwheat replies, "Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E"The teacher replies, "very good Buckwheat," and "can you use that word in a sentence?"Buckwheat replies, "Sure I can." "I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good."
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