Husband and Wife Jokes 6

Why do you go on the balcony ?

Wife : "Why do you go on the balcony when I sing ? Don't you like to hear me ?"

Husband : "It isn't that. I want the neighbors to see that I'm not beating my wife."
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Wife: Who was that on the phone?
Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.
Wife: What did he say?
Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...
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A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.   One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital.   He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.  The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?"
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon " Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to.... "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really? " the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start? "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out! "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results "My, that's a lot of. " gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure " "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London "Oh my God! " Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with "She was difficult? " asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look "Four and five deep? " asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in. "Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um..equipment? "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work. "Tripod????? "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!! "
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Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
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