Akpos Jokes 20

Crocodile Spelling

TEACHER: Akpos, how do you spell "crocodile"? AKPOS: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"TEACHER: No, that's wrong.AKPOS: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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Everybody Down!

Akpos went to rob a city bank."Everybody down!" Akpos shouted.Everyone laid flat on the ground. "Where is the bank manager?" He asked. A young fearful man stood up and said, "Here I am."Akpos: Open the safe and bring out all d money.MANAGER: (stammering) No,I can't sir.Akpos; What?! Are you crazy?! You are lucky I'm with a toy gun, I would have blown your brains off!...Akpos is currently receiving treatment at the prison hospital.
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Missing Purse

Akpos returns a missing purse to the owner in a market. The lady was so grateful but when she looked inside, she got confused and said, "But I had just a single note of a thousand naira, now there are ten notes of one hundred naira, how come?" Akpos said, "I changed it, because the last time I helped someone to find her purse, she said she would have given me some money but there is no change available."
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Job Recruitment

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new CEO for Microsoft Europe. Five thousand candidates assembled in a large room.One of the candidate is Akpos. Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asked those who do not know Java program to leave. Two thousand candidates leave the room. Akpos says to himself, "I do not know Java but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try."Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. Two thousand leave the room. Akpos says to himself, "I've never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What will be the worse thing that can happen?" So he stays.Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. Five hundred people leave the room. Akpos says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?" So he stays in the room.Lastly, Bill gates asked the candidates who do not speak German to leave. Four hundred and ninety-eight candidates leave the room. Akpos says to himself, "I do not speak one word of German but what do I have to lose? So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them and said, "Apparently, you are the only two candidates who speak German, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language."Calmly, Akpos turns to the other candidate and says, "Omo, na wa o!"  The other candidate answers, "Omo, Wetin we go do o."
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Stolen Sugar

Akpos enters a Spar Store to buy himself orange juice and sugar. He paid for the juice and walked out with the sugar under his arm , unpaid. He was arrested and locked up. During the court hearing, the judge asked him why he only paid for the juice and stole the sugar.Akpos replied, "I did not steal the sugar! At the back of the juice bottle was written, "SUGAR FREE!". You think I'm stupid or what?"
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Husband and Wife Jokes 5

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”  “What?   Are you crazy?   The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!” “I know all that.”   “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”   “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?  Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
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Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be,
This widow had a grown-up daughter, with flowing hair of red,
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife,
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run,
And this made him my grandson, for he was my daughter's son,
My wife is now my mother's mother and this makes me very blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's now my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild,
And every time I think of this, it simply drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case that you ever saw,
As the husband of my grandmother, I am now my own grandpa!

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Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands allday. Husband: I too wish that u were a newspapers so I could have a new one everyday.
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Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had avery embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on. "So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control any lingering effects. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight. "He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a rotten egg gone worse. When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her blind fold. And when she did, 50 people around her said "Surprise! "
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Husband and Wife Jokes 4

Husband texts to wife on cell.. Hi,what r u doing Darling? Wife: Im dying..! Husband jumps with joy but types Sweet Heart, how can I live without U? Wife: U idiot! Im dying my hair.. Husband: Bloody English Language!
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A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, were on the trucks. From now on, were going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, were going to make passionate love."  The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes.  "Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed.  "Bell 3," and they began to make love.  After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!"  "Whats Bell 4?" the husband asks.  "More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
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How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair. 11. Shave armpits and legs. 12. Turn off shower. 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs. 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Wash your face 6. Wash your armpits. 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. 11. Shampoo your hair. 12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pee. 14. Rinse off and get out of shower. 15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. 16. Admire wiener size in mirror again. 17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 19. Throw wet towel on bed.
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A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"
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A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's wife, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks. Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. " If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise.......well... He'll probably die"On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" she replied. "Honey.....he says you're probably going to die."
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