Husband and Wife Jokes 3

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.   "Whatll you have?" he asked.   "Oh, I dont know.   The same as you I suppose," she replied.   So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one shot.   His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.   "Yuck, thats TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.   "I dont know how you can drink this stuff!"   "Well, there you go," cried the husband.   "And you think Im out enjoying myself every night!"
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Wife is busy packing her clothes.

Man: And where are you going?

Wife: I'm moving to my mother.

Husband also starts packing.

Wife: And where do you think your going?

Husband: I'm also moving to my mother.

Wife: And what about the kids?

Husband: Well if you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother then I guess they must also move to their mother....
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Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ???I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.??? After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ???Who was that????

???It was Bob the next door neighbor,??? she replies.

???Great,??? the husband says, ???did he say anything about the $800 he owes me????

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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Lesson #2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ???Father, remember Psalm 129????

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ???Father, remember Psalm 129????

The priest apologized, ???Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.???

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ???Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.???

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Lesson #3:

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ???I'll give each of you just one wish.???

???Me first! Me first!??? says the administration clerk. ???I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. ???Puff!??? She's gone.

???Me next! Me next!??? says the sales representative. ???I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. ???Puff!??? He's gone.

???OK, you're up,??? the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ???I want those two back in the office after lunch.???

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

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Lesson #4:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ???I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree??? sighed the turkey, ???but I haven't got the energy.???

???Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings???? replied the bull. ???They're packed with nutrients.???

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Lesson #5:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
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When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best? She answers: My husband's cheque book.
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Husband and Wife Jokes 2

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
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The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.  On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun.   "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains.   "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."  The man is horrified, "You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"  "Well," says the proctor, "youre definitely not the right man for this job then."  The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun.   "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains.   "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."  The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room.   After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes.   "I wanted to do it I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job."  Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."  The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, shes fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing.   Suddenly, all goes quiet.  The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
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A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Moral of the story:
Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.
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Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat... 
Husband: How does it help 
Wife: I use your toothbrush!
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A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
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