A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."+------------------------------------------------------------------------ On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice." The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times."
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What two things in the air will get a women pregnant?
Ans: Her legs.
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Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom. Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer."Sister," he asked, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl)"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?""I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"
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Recipe for Banana Bread Ingredients:
2 Laughing Eyes, 2 Loving Arms, 2 Well Shaped Legs, 2 Firm Milk Containers, 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl, 2 Large Nuts, 1 Large Banana
Method:
1. Look into Loving Eyes.
2. Fold in Loving Arms.
3. Spread Well Shaped Legs.
4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.
Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl.
N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
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A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you? " The farmer said,"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's . "The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds? " The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres. " The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case? " The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere. "The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge? " The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere. " The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit? " The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays. " The exasperated attorney said, " Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything? "The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30. "Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "Why DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE? " And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her. "
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