School Jokes 9

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.   She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.  Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things.   What am I?”   A little boy on the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”
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A gentleman wanders around the campus of a school looking for the library.   He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?”   The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!”  The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, “I beg your pardon.   Please allow me to rephrase my question.   Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, idiot?”
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One day a college professor after getting irritated in his college class stands up in front of the class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and if there is one then he/she should stand up.   After a minute a young man stands up.   The professor then asks that guy if he actually thinks he is an idiot.   The boy replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
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Father: Son this time, you have to score 90% marks in your exams.  Son: No father Ill score 100% marks.  Father: Why are you kidding?  Son: Who started?
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Teacher: “You know you can’t sleep in my class.”  Boy: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”
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Little Johnny Jokes 8

A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "dont look at naked women or youll turn to stone."  Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women.  But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked.   Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman.   his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran.  Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when i saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers
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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.   Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.  One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Dont you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickels bigger?"  Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, theyd stop doing it, and so far Ive made $20!"
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
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One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".  His teacher replies "NO"  Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".  "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.  Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".  She again says "NO".  "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.  "Well I suppose its OK" replies the teacher.  Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THATS NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"  Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
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The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I aint had no fun in months."   Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"  Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
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Relationships Jokes 11

A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."
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A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious,I named them for you."The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation,"Well what did you name them?"The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!What did you come up with for my son?"The brother replied, "Denephew."
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Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: Up! Quick! My husband is back! Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: Damn, I am the husband!
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Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married! There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
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