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Sunday, December 23, 2018

Relationships Jokes 11

A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."
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A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious,I named them for you."The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation,"Well what did you name them?"The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!What did you come up with for my son?"The brother replied, "Denephew."
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Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: Up! Quick! My husband is back! Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: Damn, I am the husband!
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Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married! There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
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Friday, December 21, 2018

Popular Jokes 18

My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” So I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.” I took off her shoes. “Now take off my bra and panties.” So I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”
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It's Not Working

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my Mum's place."I opened the fridge. The light came on. My orange juice was very cold. What the hell is she talking about?
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Endless Chain

Boss says to secretary, "We are travelling abroad for the week, so make arrangements."Secretary makes a call to her husband, "My boss and I will be travelling abroad for the week, so look after kids."Husband makes call to secret lover, "My wife is going abroad for the week, so let's spend the week together."Secret lover makes a call to a little boy whom she is giving private lessons, "I'm going to be busy throughout the week, so you need not come for classes."Little boy makes call to his grandfather, "Grandpa, I don't have classes for the week, because my teacher is going to be busy. Let's spend the week together."Grandpa makes a call to his Secretary, "I'm afraid we won't be travelling again. My grandson and I are going to spend the week together."Secretary makes a call to her husband, "My boss has some personal matters to attend to, so our trip is cancelled."Husband makes a call to secret lover, "We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip."Secret lover makes a call to little boy, "We will still have classes as usual this week."Little boy makes a call to his grandfather, "Grandpa! I'm sorry we won't be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes."Grandpa makes a call to his secretary, "Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements."How will the chain be broken?
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The phone call

a couple agreed that whenever they wanted to have s#x they'd say "let's make a phone call"one day the man sent his son to tell his mom while she was busy in the kitchen. Son: mom, daddy said you should come so he can make a phone call. Mom: go and tell your daddy that the network is busy. Dad: then tell her that i will go elsewhere to make the call. Mom : tell you daddy that if he does that, i will open a call center here!
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Two Tigers were resting under a tree..
Suddenly a RABBIT passed very fast
Tiger could not make out & asked
“What was that?” 2nd Tiger smiled and said:
.
.
.
.
Fast Food..xP :P
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Popular Jokes 17

Cheating Boyfriend

BOYFRIEND: I cheated.                 GIRLFRIEND: Damn you! I hate you and let me tell you too that I cheated on you with your best friend. I even slept with your brother!                BOYFRIEND: What?!                      GIRLFRIEND: Yea, you heard me right.              BOYFRIEND: I meant on my test you bitch!!!GIRLFRIEND: Oh!
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Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

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Saw an ad in the newspaper : Need Accountant, 15000Rs – 20000Rs.
So I called and told them the answer is -5000Rs…
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Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!"
Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works."
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A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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